Update on the Quest: A Non-Hijabi and Some Competition

Just when I think I've paused the Quest, it doesn't. The momentum is just too much to stop.

Girl #1: This is the 2nd non-hijabi I encounter in my Quest. My family's friends with her family. Upon my mom's insistence, I came along for "just another" family visit. Her family didn't know why I was there, but I'm sure they had their suspicions.

Conclusion: Like the first non-hijabi girl I visited, this girl is from a different world than I. She's more "American Arab" than "American Muslim", though she still seems to have good morals. Ironically, she used to go to the halaqa of facebook girl's mom. We had little in common. No chemistry at all. If we marry, we'd be like oil and water -- tolerant of each other but each to their own world. It didn't make sense to go forward.


Girl #2: I saw her at a Muslim conference. No, this was no ISNAesque conference. It was a small conference, for Muslims, but on a topic completely unrelated to Islam.

Like always, the number of females in these conferences is miniscule. So any young hijabi I see I'm automatically interested in. Her existence tells me her intellectual mind thinks more of just school and Islam. And that's interesting.

I noticed her during a talk. Her personality: lively. Her beauty: not gorgeous, but good enough for me.

What to do? I need to talk to her somehow. How? Well after the next two speakers are done, there's refreshments, so I'll just go talk to her when she's checking the booths.

Long story short: the girl leaves during the 2nd talk. That speaker was boring. I would've left too were it not for her.

She walks right by me. Should I stop her? Should I run after her? I don't know. I prefer to be more discreet than that. I'm sure I'll see her again if she's in the right circles. And then next time, I'll just say "Hey! I remember you from the so-and-so conference!". That's a good conversation starter.

Interestingly, there seemed to be another guy eying her. He walked over to her and her friend and offered them food during the two minute break between the two speakers.

I was busy at the time with a teenager who grabbed me for some questions. He was a bright kid, and I love teenagers in general, so I couldn't ignore him.

The food-offering guy then sat behind her and I think tried to talk to her. But she kind of ignored him. Who is this guy?

Later during the 2nd talk, I see the guy handing over a business card to the girl. Not his business card. Some card he got from one of the booths. I think he asked her to write her email on the back of the card. She did.

I caught the guy's name from his name tag. Need to know who this guy is.

Unfortunately, when the girl left and also walked past me, she did not have a name tag. Notice to all hijabi girls: wear a damn name tag at all times in a conference. Print your name clearly. In big letters. Put it on your shirt. Your purse. Your hijab. I don't care. Just make it visible!

I think that's the easiest, most halal, least awkward way for Muslim guys and girls to know each other at conferences. Name tags! Simple! All I need is a name and I'll figure out who you are and how to get to you, and maybe come knocking one day.

I later looked up this guy. He just graduated from a second rate university. His Facebook status is 'looking for a job'.

But he sure is better than me in getting a girl's contact info. Maybe I need to be more "in your face" just like this guy. I don't know.

Girl #3: ...to be continued. And as a bonus, I'll talk about a Girl #4 next time.

Don't read this if you don't want to procrastinate

I've always wondered what love and marriage was like in "true" Islamic societies. Back in the golden periods of Islam.

I think I found the best peek I will ever get: Tawq Al-Hamamah by Ibn Hazm. It was written in the 11th century and is full of Islamic love and marriage stories from Al-Andalus. But it's more than just stories, it's analysis of love and what lovers do, all in an Islamic context.

Interesting stuff. He's the Quest of Andalusian times! A Quest Master! :-)

Changing the topic, I have a lot I want to write here, but am not finding the time. Here's some things I want to write about, which ones are most interesting to you?

• Stay at Home Dad: My Dream Job? (this article's 65% done)
• Update on the Search (I have updates on 3 girls I've encountered since facebook girl)
• Ode to Mom (in celebration of mother's day, an article talking about my mom's crucial role in the search, how she is the bestest mom in the earth, how the search has brought us closer, how no one looks out for you like your mom, etc...yeah I'm a mama's boy)
• Tricks to Keep Women Off your Mind (this is a series with a most amazing ending!)
• Seven Questions I have on Islam (questions that I believe are important but I haven't heard a straight answer from scholars or I just haven't researched enough)
  

So which post should I write next? Or should I even write? :-P

How Hijab is Not Necessarily Hijab :-(

Again, I was hoping to ignore this blog for a bit but stuff keeps happening that I must blog about!

Here's the story:

My mom is told of a good hijabi girl, from a great family, well educated, reputable family, etc, etc...

I'm shown a picture of her, and although I am busy with my 2nd Quest, I figure, what the heck, she seems like a great girl, yeah I'd like to meet her.

Alright, so my mom calls her mom, they have a nice chat. Seems like a nice, down to earth family. One interesting thing is her mom says that her daughter's hijab "does not impress" her. My mom wasn't sure what that meant. But whatever, maybe she wears too tight clothes or something, it's hard to be a perfect Muslim these days.

Anyways, a meeting is setup.

My mom tells me of this meeting. Great!

Then, on a whim, I go on facebook, and facebook this girl. To see if she has anything.

I search her name. Her profile comes up. Oooh...I can view her profile!

Lots of pictures. Hmmm..in this picture, she's a little bit too close to this guy. What's up with that? Maybe that's her brother? Let's check that...no.

Next picture...she's hugging this dude. Please be her brother!

No.

Huh? Is this the right girl?

Another picture...her head tilted towards other guy's head. Touching.

One more pic...a guy is carrying her. She's smiling.

Another one...a very close body to body hug with another guy. Her hip is leaned towards his.

I'm reminded of this funny article I read a long time ago: Facebook Ruins Marriage Proposal.

I guess this is what her mom meant when she said "her hijab does not impress me".

So the question is? What should I do? Just not meet her at all, or continue with the meeting but mention these pictures somehow? I am 100% confident this is the girl, and these pictures were from a dance party with some friends of hers in school. I can't believe she has them on facebook...maybe she didn't know people like me can view them. Thank God!

"No good guys". Ha!

The "There are just no good guys" Fallacy

I was hoping to ignore my blog for a while, but then I saw this post from Asoom's Blog and I had to reply.

Let's make this quick. Here's the essence of Asoom's post:

"It seems that our communities have evolved so that today there are more "eligible" females than "eligible" males. One theory that I have as to why is that the generation before us (and before them) gave the male gender too much credit and held them accountable for less. This practice bred a new generation of males that is less ambitious than their female counterparts, which is where we are today.

This has especially caused a frustrating trend amongst the overachieving, independent young female crowd. Everyone wants love and fantasizes about "the one" and yes it's all naseeb, but in their moments of weakness many girls feel they have to lower their standards and be willing to settle for less in order to not be alone.....and some girls seem to always be in that moment of weakness. "There are just no good guys" is an exaggerated line that begins many conversations nowadays."

I agree to some extent -- educated woman outweigh men these days. But there's more to it than that.

"Good religious guys" start looking to marry as soon as they financially can -- typically in their early 20s. They can't help it. Since they're religious, the only way to satisfy their built-in, intense desire for women is to marry. And this desire is always there, in the back of every man's mind since puberty, like a ticking clock.

They're still ambitious guys, but they need to satisfy their hunger (it really is like hunger), so they work marriage into their education plans. It's doable. Constraints + Urgency breeds creativity in these guys.

And because they're smart good guys, they realize their financial goals and become financially well off in their early 20s (or enter medicine/law/dentistry where future financial pay off is guaranteed).

And now, they're 22 and ready to marry! They start looking around for girls. Naturally, they look for younger girls -- a girl in the 19-21 range. "Good, smart, ambitious girls" in the 19-21 age range.

And what are these "good, smart ambitious girls" doing when they're in that age range? They're also busy working on their education. Getting into dentistry, grad school, whatever.

But because female physiology is different. Girls don't feel that intense urgent need to marry. Don't get me wrong, their desire is equal to a man's, but it's way more dormant. Their fire needs more kindling before it fires up (correct me if I'm wrong, I have little experience with women after all). And because "good" Muslim men and women are conservative and keep unnecessary interactions to a minimum, the men don't get a chance to kindle the woman's fire and have the woman fall in love.

So what do the women say before they even meet the "good guy"? "I'm sorry...I need to focus on my education right now...no marriage until I get that degree!"

Am I right or wrong? If you're an educated girl reading this, were you even considering marriage when you were 19-21? Were you welcoming suitors? You were hoping that you'd meet "the one" in the MSA and fall in love there. But the MSA is such a narrow circle, that chances are, you won't meet the one there.

And if no suitors came knocking when you're 19-21, I have a hard time believing that. Most likely what happened, is that suitors came knocking to your parents, but your parents shoo'd them away so that you don't get distracted from your education.

But there's still a good number of "good girls" in the 19-23 range welcoming marriage. But they're scattered all over the country. Logistical issues, the guy's criteria, his parent's criteria, the girl and her family's criteria, all combine to produce a low probability of the two people being a match.

So the good guys become fed up, book a flight ticket, and marry from back home. The marriage contract is sealed and signed well before these guys are 25. And even sometimes, a child is already on the way.

A few years go by, and the good girls have now entered med school, or whatever their goal was. At age 24, they announce to the world they're ready to marry.

Some girls even wait till they complete their advanced degrees. i.e. when they're 27 or even older.

Anyways, so the girl is 24 years old and considering suitors. All the suitors that come are older than her ofcourse. And she's wondering...why are most of these suitors not "good guys"?

Well, because many of single Muslim guys over 25 are not "good guys". They weren't able to marry in their early 20s either because they weren't smart/ambitious enough to figure out how, or maybe they failed to attract any girls, or maybe they were married to their hands if you know what I mean and thus satisfied the urge to some extent, etc, etc...

The "good guys" want to marry well before they're 25. And most of them do get married before they're 25 (with marriage from back home being the carte blanche).

This is the story behind me and many of my friends. But some of my friends have married alhamdullilah. Let's see how:

Friend #1: Typical MSA love story. Girl was his age.
Friend #2: Typical MSA love story -- but his parents did not approve. Got fed up and married from back home.
Friend #3: Flew all over US and Canada meeting potential girls. Almost got engaged but dowry was ridiculous. Flew back home and married from there.
Friend #4: Looked around here. Saw nothing. Married from back home.
Friend #5: Was in love with someone back home. As soon as he heard she was about to get engaged he swoopt in and took her.
Friend #6: Typical MSA/Community love story. Girl was older than him by a year.
Friend #7: Did a lot of shopping around for girls. He did finally find one by the time he was 26.
Friend #8: Lucky guy -- found the girl he wanted in the same city as he was and married her. He did relax his requirement for the girl's education level though.
Friend #9: Looked around in the US. No naseeb. Married from back home.
Friend #10: Married a friend of a friend in the US. I think he was 25. So a good story here.
Friend #11: Looked around a lot in the US. No naseeb. Took the next flight back home and married from there.
Frined #12: Married from back home. I think he was 27 though.

So 7/12 married from back home. The rest married from here. The majority were less than 25. All of these guys I consider great Muslim men. They're devout, have a good personality derived from Islam. Are practical but without compromising their religion. Good to excellent career prospects. Have good knowledge of Arabic. Active in the community. Treat their family well. Have average or above average looks. Are ambitious, reflect a lot, and don't mind being wrong.

I'm the youngest of them all, and I've so far held out from flying back home. But I recently set a certain deadline to myself -- if I don't marry from here by that deadline, it's back home for me too.

(Sorry if this post is a little disorganized. I first was meaning to write it in less than 10 minutes, but it was too tricky of a post to write in such a short time, and I really gotta get back to work...)

Signs that A Muslim Guy Needs to be Married

What Next: Two Girls and The 2nd Quest

Pardon me. I'm trying to write this post in less than 5 minutes. Things may be a bit messy.

Ok, so what's next for me? Well, there's two girls I have in mind for the next step in the Quest.

Both are through family or friends of friends. Both seem pretty interesting. One seems to be more involved in Islamic work, so I'll probably go for her next.

But, I'm involved now with a 2nd Quest, unrelated to marriage. I always had this 2nd Quest, but now alhamdullilah, it's getting more serious. You can say that I am 'engaged' now to this Quest, but not yet married.

Shoot. 2.5 minutes left. Let's go!

So I'm kind of at a conflict. The 2nd Quest is taking up a lot of time + energy. So I'm not sure if I can build a relationship during tha time. And it adds a lot of risk too. Nto sure if I want to have a brand new wife during that time.

I always wished that I'd have a wife by me by the time I get 'engaged' to this 2nd quest. But I guess not. That's cool. Both ways are good.

Less than a min. left!!

Anyways, I might go back into "passive searching for girls", rather than "active searching".

What this means is that for the next girl, I'm going to wait until we meet naturally, rather than forcign it through formal means.

5 min. Good night!

Update on the Search: The Story of PhD Girl

Alright. I got an uninterrupted block of time, and I'm high on caffeine. It's time for my latest update on the search. Let's do this!

PhD Girl....when I first saw you, I was like "I sure hope this is the girl so and so was telling me about". And sure enough, it was you. And you brought me food. And it's true. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

And we talked. And we had a lot to talk about. You're different though. It was your business eyes. I couldn't see any shyness in you. Odd for a Muslim girl. And you were not afraid to look into my eyes. But they weren't lustful eyes. They were business eyes. You were talking to me like I was another "sister" of yours. I was confused.

"What makes you tick? What rules do you live by?", I wonder. "I guess I'll have to find out."

And so I send an "agent" to know more about you. And another "agent" to see what your marriage plans are.

And then an interesting coincidence happens, and I see you again. But this time, a guy is with you. My heart is broken.

And the 2nd agent comes back to me. "Quest, she's not interested in marriage. 'No marriage till my PhD is done. I'm just too busy for a husband,' she said."

"Ah, another sister suffering from busy girl syndrome, may God help us all...and destroy Israel!", and thus you seal my heart.

But then our lives begin intersecting in interesting ways. And all of a sudden, you're very interested in being around me and my family. And everytime we're around each other, we find out even more interesting things between us. And you were asked in front of me, "PhD Girl...would you marry while doing this PhD?"

"It's all naseeb!" you said.

It's all naseeb? Hmm...an interesting change in your answer. And there were many other interesting changes in your answers. Perhaps, you're on a quest for Quest? I guess I'll have to find out!

And so we start going on "halal dates". You, a mahram, and I. And we chat and chat and chat. "It's all naseeb!", you say again. And the heart is rekindled.

Trivial reasons were given for these dates, and you played along very well. And you never flinched in talking to me. And were never afraid to sit facing me. And never afraid to talk about marriage. And discuss your life plans.

"Clearly, she's clearing the runway for me," I conclude. "And she's damn good at it...maybe too good. She's either clearing the runway or crazy. I guess I'll have to find out."

"I think we had enough of these halal dates...it's time to declare my intentions, " I say.

And so a final halal date is setup, using an even more trivial reason. It was a Friday. A beautiful spring day. Right after the Friday prayer.

And as usual, she's on time. The sun shines on our table. And amidst the awkward silences of our chit chat, I pose the question:

"PhD girl, we've gotten to know each other a lot lately, and we discussed marriage many times. I don't usually talk to a girl like that, unless there's a reason. What do you say if you and I..."

She leans back. Her face turns yellow. And so I automatically know her answer, but have no choice but to finish my sentence,

"...explore a road that leads to marriage."

A quiet voice comes out of her: "Quest, I want to focus on my PhD."

My memory of that moment is too scarred to recall things in exact order. But I remember a predominant sense of accomplishment. Finally, I have an answer from her. And finally, I now know exactly how she views her relationship with men...she has absolutely no hayaa. And one of my motos in life is "to fail more...to try more things and not be afraid of failure." And here I am, absolutely failing! And I did all the right things...this was a totally halal relationship, with totally halal intentions, and I prayed istikhara, and the rest is from Allah.

And a sense of relief comes to me. Woohoo! The uncertain future is gone...no need to merge our two lives together, no need to organize a wedding, my current plans remain unchanged. Wealth is infinite and freedom is at it's max. It's back to the good old bachelor life.

But still, I was shocked. And with shock comes anger. Didn't you say this PhD wasn't taking up much of your time? You do know me don't you? I'm in total support of your PhD! In fact, with me, you'll probably do better in school! And what was all this "It's all naseeb" talk? So you thought all these halal dates were "just for fun"? And so many people marry while they're in school, it's absolutely normal! And it's half the religion! And our two lives fit perfectly together! You can have two birds with one stone! But please do realize...I'm not trying to convince you to marry me...I want it to come from you...but I'm just trying to understand your point of view. And a good husband isn't something you can shop for, he just pops his head up one day and you have to take advantage of it!

Her painful answers:

• "I'm just happy with my life as is"
• "I know myself...if I get married, life will become too comfortable for me, and I fear that I'll drop out from the PhD program"
• "Oh and that 'It's all naseeb' thing? That's just idle talk..."
  
• "I'm sorry if you misinterpreted our halal dates...you were like my brother. That's all. Like family."
• "It's not you! Really, it's not you Quest! Mashallah, you're a great guy...a nice guy"

That last one I hate the most. That's the ultimate blow you can give a man.

I don't buy her arguments. And it's natural for a girl to say no the first time -- a mystery in life I have yet to figure out. So the question is, should I persist with her or no?

Well now that I see her true colors, I'm not persisting with her. She's too liberal with men. She shouldn't have treated me "like family". I'm not her brother. I'm a strange man she got to know over a few months. She doesn't know my family either. Even girls who were attracted to me were much more reserved than her. I still can't fathom why she's so liberal like that. She's so liberal yet so traditional...she's an enigma to me.

And with that issue resolved, we resume the conversation with safer topics. As we leave the coffee shop, we wonder if we won anything with our coffee cups. This particular shop was having a promotion with each coffee cup you buy. My Canadian readers would know exactly what I'm talking about -- it's very similar to Tim Horton's "Roll up the Rim to Win".

"Sorry! Please try again", the three damned coffee cups said.