Tuesday, July 31, 2007

What I'm Looking For In a Girl

In light of all the experiences I've had with the marriage process recently, I sat down a few nights ago and listed all the qualities I want in a girl. The question to myself was, "After visiting so many girls and families so far, why the heck have I not found the right girl by now? What is it that I'm looking for, are there any patterns in the reasons I stop considering a girl, and am I being too picky?"

Surprisingly, it didn't take long to come up with the list, and I'm pretty confident this is what I'm looking for. Here it is, in prioritized order:

Must Haves

  • Muslim. Wears Hijab.
  • Good deen and character
  • Easy to communicate with
  • Speaks Arabic (and good English ofcourse)
  • Same age or younger than I
Usually, these are also must haves, but I might ignore if she is really good in other qualities:
  • University educated
  • Pleasing to my eye (well...she always has to be pleasing to my eye...but she does not necessarily need to be beautiful for that to happen)
Has to have some or all of these qualities:
  • Wants to do something with her life and is pro-active about it
  • Sociable with both Muslims and non-Muslims
  • Likes to learn. Reads books.
  • Mature. Has intellectual depth. Speaks for a reason. Definitely not an airhead.
  • Fun. Likes the outdoors. Likes to try new things.
  • Copes well with random changes in life (small and big), even welcomes them. Optimistic.
  • Feminine
  • Comes from a good family (religious, educated, appreciate the traditions)

So which qualities do I often find missing in a girl? What are the bottlenecks? I'd say the biggest is age and beauty. If I want a girl that's younger than I and beautiful, it's likely that she won't have the other characteristics I'm looking for, especially maturity and intellectual depth.

The problem is that I'm fairly young, and a lot of the younger ones are either still in school, in another city than I, and have more than one year left in their education.

Futhermore, a lot of the interesting ones want to pursue higher levels of education, so if you're not in the same city as they are, the logistics make it harder to marry.

These factors, coupled with the fact that my family needs to approve of the girl and her family, and that I'm living in an area with a small selection of hijabis, makes it pretty hard to find the right one.

I'm happy with my bachelor life though, and I'm working on many fronts to find the right girl, so as long as that's happening, I can wait forever!


Aaron said...

It's good you say you can wait forever, because only God knows when you'll meet your sweet one, so don't worry about it. But keep in mind that you can't really enjoy life if you keep hoping for more. Just take what you got and live with it, if God gives you more, take it, if not, then be patient.

You've prayed for "the one" right? Then just be patient, she's a coming!

Oh, and about your list. You got to ease down a bit. If you start to break down a girl into certain traits, then you're not seeing the big picture. If a girl were to judge me on the religiousness of my family, or on the length of my beard I'd be like "thank God i found out you were so shallow, who knows what would have happened if i actually married you."

Just see the girl as who she is. If she feels like the sweet one, then go for it. Don't try to break down things that cannot be measured. It's only gonna make things more complicated in the end.

Just my thoughts.

BTW, if I seem a bit "annoyed" in how I respond, its only coz you are anonymous. I know it helps you write your stuff (which I like since I keep coming back) but it annoys the [expletive] out of me. If I find out I know you, I will beat you up.

Quest said...

haha Aaron, thanks for the comment.

Yeah you're very pessimistic.

Well, remember, I know who you are, so maybe it's wise to be careful with the threats ;-)

I'm joking. This is exactly why I continue to post and open up my thoughts. I thrive on criticism. The best way to destroy a man is to complement him.

Quest said...

actually, you know Aaron..if I were you I would want to kick my butt as well :-)

Aaron said...

You know, I think I will kick Affad Shaik's butt instead, and imagine he's you.

Affad I know you're gonna read this, so take this [kicks his butt].

Ahh, that felt good.

Keep up the good work, but don't let it go to your head, Quest.

K.A. said...

Assalamu Alaikum Quest,
I like your list. Very specific. You definitely know what you are looking for. Hope Allah helps you find this intellectual, intelligent,well-rounded, religious, and attractive young lady you are seeking.
Just a thought:
Did it ever occur to that perhaps you may find your sweet one through this blog? Yeah,I know you have chosen to be strictly anonymous, but, maybe there is a reason that you started this blog in the first place. Everything happens for a reason. Or maybe the blog was intended to be a sort of learning tool; something to make better sense of who you are and who exactly you would like to call your sweet one. Allahu'alam. I have been meaning to ask you that for a while.

Oh, and by the way if you know who Aaron is and Aaron's blog says he goes to UCSD/UCSD Nerd, would that possibly mean that you are from San Diego or are affiliated with the San Diego Muslim crowd?

Anonymous said...

you clearly have thought about your perfect woman. i think as you get older your mind grows narrower especially when it comes to finding the sweet one ,you know what you want and its very difficult to go beyond that,trust me i know. so dont just settle for anyone ,the sweet one is out there inshallah .

Anonymous said...

Assalamu Alaikum Brother,
Where are you?! I know plenty of good, nice, religious girls where I live. There are so many girls in California, I am sure you will find the right one, insha' Allah.

Anonymous said...

I have a feeling this bro is from california..

Anonymous said...

Yup,I totally agree he sounds like a california guy and if he is, I don't understand why he is having such a hard time finding a wife.

Anonymous said...

damn man...i thot i had a chance...but im no arab looooooool...so cant even get by the first list of MUST HAVE!!! lol

im kiddin....i guess its good job to sit down n note down wat u want....instead of just going for it....inshallah...inshallah...expecthe unexpected..she could b jus infront of u..us llook harder and mayb u dnt need to go far to other cities to find her...she could be very near u....damn sounds freaky lol

anyways....pray for the best inshallah but gosh u got to change the MUST HAVE list im well upset about it now loool.


Anonymous said...

I thought Quest was a socal guy. but, there are so many eligible girls in that area, so that would not make sense. anywho, Quest, if you're not from there, I suggest heading over.

Anonymous said...

u asking for tooo much dude.....no wonder why this whole process is taking longer than expected to.

Affad Shaikh said...

Aaron, i know who you are, dont make me come and beat you up :)

Just kidding.

Random Muslimah said...

We all make lists of things we want in our future spouses...but what about ourselves? Would we satify similar lists of others? Or even our own?

Having an idea of what your looking for is a good idea and you have a right to like and dislike certain things, but remember that no one is perfect.

And remember the advice of the Prophet SAW in regards to what we should look for in perspective spouses...

As a Muslimah I wouldn't want someone to expect me to be perfect and be checking off points about me on a list. I would want him to accept my good qualities as well as shortcomings and accompany me throughout life to grow as a better Muslimah.

Just came across your blog and realized how sooo many people are going through a similar process as yours..but without the blog. I apologize if my two cents are unwanted and annoying..it is simply my opinion.
Allah swt knows best

May Allah swt make our hearts firm on the deen and help us to improve ourselves.
And may he help us all to find and then grow together with our spouses to obey Him and please Him in the best possible way.

Anonymous said...

brother, are these qualities in u too or are these the qualities u lack n would like her to have....

ur comment on family....jus remember we dont choose our family like we choose our friends etc...so would u still want her family to be to ur expectation if she met ur MUST AV list. Say she is great in all matters expect her family lacks sumthin u after...

just be careful wat u asking for..mayb u asking for too much..or mayb ur not..
Allahu Alim!

Anonymous said...

For the past couple days, I've been re-reading this blog and I think I can possibly figure out who the "man behind the blog" is!

ok.Here it goes.

1. He has to be someone highly involved in MSA in california(that's if he even leaves in california)He definitely sounds like someone active in the muslim community, believe me I know. I'm surrounded by them.

2. He volunteers. He has probably kicked it up a notch because he mentioned that he wanted to work on community projects to meet eligable women.

3. He's Arab

4. Sounds like he has just graduated from college (Cal. States, UC schools)

5.Or, he's been out for sometime now (less than 2 years)

6.He's probably 21-24

7. He hasn't lived here all his life. His profile says he's lived in Muslim country for half his life.

8. I bet he's palestinian because that's the first country he lists on his blog. Palestinian Pride!

9. He has to be someone highly respected or widely known, because a few months back he mentions speaking at a conference (ISNA?) hmm...
10.He's an ISNA conference goer

11. He goes missing for sometime because he's out on a prowl searching for a wife in randomn places-tulsa?

Ok. If you guys come up with anything else post it. I sound like a crazy person with no life, but I have to find out who Quest really is.
Sorry Quest, hope this doesn't keep you from blogging. Your animosity is so intriguing. I most likely won't figure out who you are, but, its worth the try. Salams

Anonymous said...

i think he threw in the living in an arab country for half his life to throw people off. and i get the feeling he is semi-involved in the MSAs. maybe he only shows up to help with planning events, but not to meetings, classes and everything else. anyway, maybe its better to not know who Quest is. the anonymity makes it that much more interesting.

and Quest, your list sounds good. I know I want just as much in a wife... actually even more than what you have. better to know what you want now than later.

Anonymous said...

from his u can tell that he is a communisty boy lol...has a strong bond with muslims n non muslims...i guess wat he asks in a wife sorta reflects wat sort of person he is...hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..gosh this is getting intersting by the minute...btw i live in UK-London..so i wouldnt knw anything about the MSA ETC... but i knw he is highly invloved in events etc.

either way..

Anonymous said...

from his LIST (i missed this word out so i thot i'd re-post my message again) u can tell that he is a communisty boy lol...has a strong bond with muslims n non muslims...i guess wat he asks in a wife sorta reflects wat sort of person he is...hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm..gosh this is getting intersting by the minute...btw i live in UK-London..so i wouldnt knw anything about the MSA ETC... but i knw he is highly invloved in events etc.

either way..

Twinkle Toes said...

I like your must haves, its great that you can narrow it down to these things, shows great confidence. A trait all guys should have.

I feel for you on the younger girls still being at school issue. School isn't usually the problem, rather it is our parents (arab parents to be specific) who think it unecessary for some of us ladies to be thinking about such 'trivial' issues when we are trying to finish our honours in biochemical engineering or the likes. *rolls eyes* Allah bi3een, hadhihi heya al7ayat. All we can do is make du3a'.

Maturity does not always come with age, alot of us young ladies can be more mature than our ages defines us to be.

Forever you say? Patience, another great trait to have.

espoir said...

Nice blog. I think you need to cut down on the expectations though. Remember Allah says that He puts Love and Rahma (mercy) in the hearts of the couple when they get married. So even if you are not 100% satisfied, after nikkah you will be, insha Allah. My 2 cents!

Chasing Children & Recipes said...

Essalam Alaikum,
Insha'Allah this reaches you in the best of health and Iman.
I don't know how I stumbled upon your blog... I did however think that giving you Nasiha was a good idea. :-) A checklist is a good idea. In fact, if you know what you are looking for, all spelled out on paper it helps to keep some focus. Of course writing it out doesn't mean you follow letter by letter, but it's a starting point for what is priority for you and any serious sister I think can appreciate that in a brother.

I didn't see much writing about Istikhara however, and that is a must. When you think you have found someone, pray it and keep doing so until you made your decision, Insha'Allah.

May Allah bless you, give you a righteous Muslimah and protect you and yours!

Anonymous said...

oh goodness. i think i know who Quest is.

btw - not palestinian. i don't think. definitely arab.

hey Quest, if I'm pretty sure I know who you are - how would you want me to approach you to ask?

Anonymous said...

oh and he could still be living in socal and not have a large selection of hijabis, if he's not from the oc or san diego.

Quest said...

haha, if you're confident you know me, just bring it up with me one on one!

Bibi-Aisha said...

Your list is short compared to mine:-) i used to have this looong list, but to be fair,i saw many of these qualities in quite a few guys, but something was always missing. I agree completely with random muslimah tho. I threw the list away,and i realise now how silly some of my expectations were. But mentally,i've just replaced one set of requirements for another. Eg-i always wanted to marry a doctor only.until last year when i finally got over it. But now,im back to my younger days dream of marrying a foreigner. Don't want to marry a south african-boring! but considering i don't date,don't chat in chatrooms,matchmaking websites etc the chances r very slim. In the end tho, i trust completely in Allah, and certainly He knows best.