Marriage & Islam: The Quest For The Sweet One

Two New Quest-Type Blogs To Check Out!

2009-10-12T20:52:00.000-07:00

Stumbled on two new "Marriage Quest" type blogs today, thought I'd put them here:

The first is written by a female. The second is by a guy, who weirdly enough, sounds a lot like me.

I have one comment on his Love in San Francisco article. He describes how he meets what looks to be a most perfect girl, but then drops her right away as soon as he hears her backbite.

I don't know the entire picture here, but my advice in general is not to be quick in judging people. People make mistakes, they have faults. Show her the higher ground, and maybe she'll follow...

More Quest-Like Blogs

2008-12-04T22:52:00.000-08:00

In response to my previous "The End" post, a person emailed me asking for some tips to help promote their new "quest" blog.

Her blog is http://questfortherightone.blogspot.com. Seems like she's off to a good start!

But...can you say trademark infringement? ;-) hehe. Just kidding.

She also asked me for some tips on getting traffic. Off the top of my head, here are my tips:

The key to getting people to read your blog is to read other people's blogs and comment on them. Write interesting comments and not just comments for the sake of commenting! People will click on your profile link and check out your blog. If they like your blog, they'll subscribe to it.
In the same theme of #1, engage other bloggers. Reply to posts of other blogs via your blog. Then go to that blog and tell them so via the comments section. This will get you new readers.
Last but definitely not least...write good material. If your writing is interesting and useful to people, they will keep coming back.

You can also google for more tips. I'm sure there's a ton out there.

And if anyone else has a "quest-like" blog or site that you'd like people to know of. Just email me and I'll post it here.

The End!

2008-11-30T21:41:00.000-08:00

Well, this is it folks, last post!

Life has become, um...sweeter. 3u'bal eljamee3 inshallah!

One day I'm going to write a short "So you wanna get married?" letter to my 20 year old self, summarizing all the lessons I learnt. If I get to writing this letter, I'll post it here.

But until then, goodbye! I hope you enjoyed the ride.

:-)

The Party is At Happy Hijabi's!

2008-10-06T19:11:00.000-07:00

If you like marriage-quest type blogs, then check out Happy Hijabi's blog!

She's been updating it frequently and the content gets better by the day. Plus, it looks like she's moved on and been meeting many potential Mr. Rights. I think she's engaged now.

I'm so happy for her! This is awesome.

Inna ma3al 3usri usra!

Outsourcing Cooking

2008-09-23T06:47:00.000-07:00

I once had this idea if I ever become a stay-at-home dad. Glad to see that someone tried it and it worked out very well for him.

Two Iftars

2008-09-21T07:47:00.000-07:00

Two mosques. Both had good food. Good adhan. And helpful organizers.

One was completely segregated. I didn't even see my biological sister (whom I knew was at the iftar).

The other was mixed. Families sat together. You're free to roam about. No tension in the air. Everyone's friendly and open to talk. Mother, father, sit beside each other, among other couples whom they are friends with, and their daughters and sons. You get the picture.

Both mosques are in need of money. Which one is getting mine?

This Sheikh Reads my Mind

2008-09-14T15:10:00.000-07:00

I stumbled on this article, and got a strange feeling that this Sheikh knows me and has been reading my mind. His repeated usage of the term 'quest' doesn't help either!

It's one of the best marriage articles I've ever read. Check it out.

A Reader Asks...

2008-09-09T02:29:00.000-07:00

"I'm a 27 year-old male who stops by your blog every now and then. You have some interesting thoughts, many of which I agree with. I had been wondering: do you know of a certain du'a one can make to get the opportunity to marry a certain woman who is currently out of reach for one reason or another?"

Off the top of my head, I don't know of a certain dua'. I just make dua' directly to God.

I remember as a kid I used to make dua's like these when I had a crush with someone, and they used to always come true. Why did I make dua' at that time though for a woman to like me? I never acted on them. I guess I just wanted to be liked.

Hmm, and I remember in the same sitting, I would make dua' to God that he would make me a millionaire one day. I'm still waiting on that God! :-)

Anyways, anyone know of specifc dua's for this gentlemen?

Round One. Quest: 0, Bachelorhood: 1

2008-09-01T13:01:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to let everyone know that I probably will not be posting on this blog for a long time, if ever. If you ever want to be notified of a next post just enter your email address on the box to the right or subscribe to this blog via your favorite RSS reader (e.g. Google Reader).

I'm just not feeling the urge to write anymore, for a few reasons:

The first, is I'm taking advantage of my bachelorhood and dove into another adventure that's taking up my time. Any free time is spent with family.

Secondly, because of this consuming adventure, I'm not actively seeking out marriage. So there's not much to write about. I can't have both marriage and this.

Thirdly, I'm not frustrated anymore. I started this blog out of frustration from the marriage process. Nowadays, I'm content with how things are going. I'm told of new girls regularly. My fear and shyness from women has gone away. They're really humans just like us. I have no problems calling up a family and asking about their daughter whom I know little about. I have no problems risking embarrassment or "shame" by talking to some random hijabi women in a mosque. I guess you can say I have as much experience as a practicing Muslim man can before marriage, and everything is "been there, done that". I feel like I'm in control of things.

I think what's important is I'm no longer afraid of failure, rejection, speaking my thoughts, and doing what I feel is right even if it risks some embarrassment. This applies to my life in more ways than just the marriage search. Because of this, I don't find the need to vent in an anonymous blog as much. All my venting is distributed across friends and family!

Fourthly, my views on living a Muslim life has changed over the last three years of the marriage search. Because of this change, I feel like I'm not a "mainstream" Muslim anymore. I'm not a scholar either, so I'd rather keep my thoughts to myself to avoid responsibility for misguiding anyone.

I'm less about following exact rules. I'd rather follow solid Quranic principles and leave the rest to my judgement and instincts based on the environment I'm in. In this quest, I've sought out the "proper" rules for meeting Muslim women, only to find out that there really are no rules, but just some principles, like (1) Don't be with a woman alone, (2) Don't come close to fornication. And (3) Lower your gaze.

But these are open to interpretation. For example, lowering my gaze means getting nasty thoughts and lustful glances out of my head, not necessarily lowering my eyesight. Or not coming close to fornication doesn't mean we have to barricade ourselves from women and have absolutely no contact.

What I learnt from my experiences is that it is better to follow my judgement than a scholar who's unaware of my situation.

What we need is more scholars who've lived a life in the west and have actually had a productive life here. Until then, I'm following my intellect. Nah...I'll always be following my intellect. But scholars are reference points, and it would be nice to have more reference points on this side of the world.

In the past, I'd be afraid of going 100% with my instincts because it led me to unorthodox views or risked people looking at me and saying "what the heck?". But now, I don't care. I have to look out for myself. And I trust my intellect more than someone else's.

Sure, there are times where I'll mess up. I already had mess ups. But there's repentance. There's live and learn.

So once my adventure is stabilized, round two of the wife search is going to start. It's going to have different rules:

1) I'll be be looking for a different kind of girl. Now I just want a plain jane girl with good character and a good family background. Someone who understands me and I her, is pretty, and Arab. That's it.

I'm not looking for my soulmate. I'm not looking for someone to complete me. She doesn't need to wear hijab. She's doesn't need to have a university education. I'm not looking for someone to boost my future household income. I'm not looking for someone with ambition -- this tendency in round one led me to all these busy girls. I have enough ambition. The only ambition I'd be looking for is a desire to have a great family and kids.

I just want to minimize headaches. I just want to lead a peaceful, productive life filled with fun. The only headaches I want are the ones worthy of having, like building a proper family with rich connections. I don't want to deal with cross-cultural challenges. I don't want to deal with husband and wife juggling work and home and accomplishing neither.

Some people might call me out for putting the word "pretty" in the requirements. I'm not going to try to explain myself. Bla bla bla. She has to be pretty.

2) I'm going to shop for a woman like I shop for a car. I'm not going to be afraid of saying no and hurting feelings. I'm not going to be afraid of visiting multiple families at once to speed up the process of deciding on a girl. I'm not going to be afraid of calling a family and asking about their girl even if I know little of her. I'm not going to be afraid of telling my friends "hey, I'm looking for a wife, any recommendations?". And I'm not going to be afraid of offending them by not going with their recommendations. I'll try to be courteous in all my dealings, but if I piss someone off that's their problem. I'll apologize and move on.

3) I'm going to do the shopping. Not my mom. I think relying on my mom too much caused me to not appreciate some of the girls that came my way. My mom did all the work to get them, and I just visited the family once or twice, felt there was no chemistry, and passed.

The best way to explain it is to talk about my cooking: when I cook, the food tastes amazing to me, but if someone else cooked the same exact food, I'll be like...meh.

Nevertheless, my mom is a huge resource in the search, and she naturally has way more access to women than I do. So I'll always be going to her for advice and assistance.

That's it I think.

Round one was long and hard. Will Round Two be short and sweet? Inshallah.

I'm Back?

2008-08-18T21:43:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago I shut this blog down due to drama that I didn't want in my life.

But now that the storm has subsided, my gut is saying that this is not the way to end this blog.

So I'm bringing it back to life. I doubt I'll be writing often, but atleast the last three years of my marriage-search experiences are up for everyone who's on a Quest out there.

Enjoy!

Already read my entire blog and hate me for not writing something new? Checkout this second InFocus article on the marriage search. Good stuff.

The 5 Questions I Have

2008-07-20T13:00:00.000-07:00

Salamualikum -- sorry for not updating in a while. I met a girl and all my free time has been going to her.

I don't like to talk about ongoing relationships. My summary is she is definitely a great girl, and we both are interested in each other, but there are some serious obstacles involving family and the current circumstances we live in. We're both aware of the obstacles and are seeing if we can navigate them together.

The interesting thing about this girl is she knows about my blog and that I am the author. So things have been interesting.

One day she got a hold of my 'secret' journal. It's not really that secret. Anyways, in this journal I had some brainstorms of stuff I wanted to write about here.

One brainstorm was questions I had on Islam. Things I'd like to find answers for one day. I'd like to have answers to these questions before I have kids. Because I'm sure they're going to have similar questions.

She found them really interesting and asked me to post them here and see what people's views are. So here they are.

A word of caution: Some of these questions could be quite controversial. I would never ask them in public in a mosque because people might judge me in the wrong way. They might also negatively affect those with weak faith. Nevertheless, they are important issues and we shouldn't shy away from them. It really annoys me how it it seems like some of these questions are sidestepped or ignored by most scholars.

And here they are. My 5 Questions on Islam:

1. Evolution. What is Islam's official line of evolution? I hear so many different things. I'm confused. Some people say evolution is 100% incompatible and go on the side of Christian creationists. Other say Islam supports micro-evolution but not macro. Others say Islam supports evolution for all of creation except humans -- Adam and Eve could not have come from evolution. And then others say that since God exists out of time, whether it took an instant or a billion years of our time to create Adam and Eve doesn't matter. Time is another creation of God. God just says "Be" and things happen. From our point of view, it looks like God's command is taking billions of years to happen, but from his perspective it's done because he is not restricted by time.

What bugs me is that evolutionary psychology is being used almost everyday in the media and I don't know how to react to it. Some of it sounds like pure conjecture, while other times things seem logical.

2. Interest. What would a world economy look like if it followed Islamic rules? How will society benefit if interest was abolished? I think it's stupid to take loans to buy a fancy car or a house, but what about taking loans for investment purposes or to reduce your taxes? I think I know the answer to this "Interest is haram. Period. There's many Islamic financing options available." Probably, but it seems like most Islamic Financing alternatives wrap Interest under a different name. What would the world look like if everyone used Islamic financing? Would it be the same? Also, many Islamic Finance providers are not as professional or competitive than normal banks.

I guess I already know the answer to this question. Interest is haram. But it's hard to navigate life in the western world without getting involved in Interest. We need more solutions to this problem, and Muslims must become agenda setters in the financial world or else life will become even harder for us.

2. Gender Relations. Believe it or not, I am still confused on relationships with the female gender.

Before I was looking to get married, the rule I followed was simple and effective: No female friends. I only have relationships with females for the purposes of school, community work, or business. This worked great.

But things got confusing once I began my marriage search. For marriage purposes, I want to know more females. The 'get your family/friends to hook you up' thing sucks to some extent. I want to get to know a girl without her knowing that I'm interested in her for marriage.

And I get mixed signals from Muslim community gatherings. On the one hand we have walls seperating men and women, and then on the other hand I see free mingling from time to time. I feel guilty everytime I talk to a girl.

It just seems that total separation of men and women is unhealthy. And it doesn't seem like there was total separation in the early days of Islam.

5. Slave Girls. Islam permits me to buy a slave girl and have sex with her. What's the point of me toiling to find that one wife for life, when if I lived 500 years ago, I could've just bought me a few slave girls to provide companionship and sex? And if I didn't like a slave girl, I could just sell her and be done with her without having to go through a painful divorce. Sorry for being so direct. I'm just too lazy right now to be politically correct.

There are some good explanations for #5. Like society was so dependent on Slavery, Islam couldn't abolish it out right but instead gradually got rid of it. Or like society was not developed enough to have jails for prisoners of war, so POWs had to go into slavery, etc...but I'm still a little pissed. I want my slave girl.

I actually have a sixth question, but am too burnt out to talk about it. The last few months have been quite stressful.

Ok, I'm done. Everyone here now probably thinks I'm some evil hypocritical pig. I'm sorry. I'm actually a good guy. My friends like me. I pray regularly. Never had haram relationships with girls. And my mom loves me dearly.

Apparently I'm famous...

2008-06-09T20:10:00.000-07:00

Check out this month's main article in California's Muslim Newspaper, (InFocus News):

A Few Good Men: American Muslim women bemoan lack of ‘good’ male suitors

I'm in it! Yey! I wish I can tell all my friends about it. "Hey! That's me!".

It's a great article. Hopefully it'll generate discussion and get awareness up within the community.

Make du3a' for all the single women out there. Their quest is harder.

A Man's Torture

2008-06-06T23:01:00.000-07:00

What is up with women this summer? Maybe it's just me, but it seems like the doctors this year ordered all women to get an extra dose of Vitamin D.

And it's torture. I'm usually good at lowering my gaze. But often there is so much nudity around me, that it's like walking through a beehive. I'm bound to get stung.

Even lowering the gaze doesn't work sometimes, thanks to ads painted on sidewalks. I started looking up to the sky instead, but even then there's billboards.

And even when it's safe to look forward, I hear high heels hitting the ground. May whoever made the first high heels burn in hell!

And even when there is no sound to be heard. I can smell the perfume. Why do you women do all of this?!

Ads are horrible. Sex here. Sex there. Sex everywhere! Just leave me alone will you?

"Just don't look at them", you say! Everyone is leaving you alone! No one's forcing you to look!

Thanks for the advice, but this is stupid. This is like putting a cocaine addict in a world filled with cocaine. Or a fasting person in an open buffet.

And the thing is I have no choice over this addiction. God put it in me. Without it, we'd be extinct!

But the addiction itself isn't that bad. Bachelor life is actually quite good. If only women didn't dress so provocatively and I was free of these pesky ads!

It's just sometimes there's these episodes, triggered by provocative female behavior, where everything in my mind comes crashing down. The focus becomes women. And I don't feel like doing anything except think about and pursue women.

And putting the pieces back together to a normal mental state is like swimming up a gushing river.

Wallahi sometimes I wish I was a kid again.

P.S. Fortunately, I do not have this problem on the Internet, thanks to my favorite Firefox plugin -- Adblock.

The Shaytan Plays a Good Game

2008-06-05T05:04:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry I haven't updated in a while. Most of my time goes to two intellectually demanding things in my life, and so when my time frees up I am too exhausted to produce interesting stuff here.

Even my real-life friends are complaining. I just have been heads down in my own world lately and cutting out everything that is not related to these two things in my life. And no, searching for a wife is not one of these two things.

But I miss this blog and the people here. So an update!

Girl #3: This is the more Islamically-oriented girl I was talking about. I ended up visiting her family. I really liked this girl. The visit went well. I seriously thought she might be the one. My mom calls to arrange a second visit -- and the answer is "no, she'd like to continue her education". Wow. I was pretty shocked. This would be the first clear-cut rejection I get. It's very hard to pinpoint the reason, since I thought the first visit went very well. If I had to pick a reason, it would probably be that I failed to connect with the dad. I think I went in with a "I got nothing to prove" mentality and that may have come off as a little arrogant.

After this, I seriously stopped my search. I took this as a sign that I should just focus on the 2nd quest as originally planned and resume the search after that's stabilized (which could be a couple of years!).

Nevertheless, I encountered two girls in my daily life:

Girl #1: I traveled for 5+ hours with this girl. Don't worry, it was a halal setting. She's really interesting. To be honest, I kind of arranged it so that she can travel with me because the rest of the people on this trip weren't very exciting. We had chemistry. Problem is she's 1-2 years older than me. She's also not that attractive at first glance, but at second glance she is, especially with her awesome personality. Every girl has some intrinsic beauty. She's really nice too. She's probably one of the more interesting Muslim girls I've seen. She would be a "cool" wife. Up for anything. And street smart. She's still on my radar, but as I said, I'm not really looking to marry right now.

Girl #2: She is a non-Muslim girl. She asked me out the other day. Not much I can do here.

So there you have it -- rejected by a Muslim family, and soon after a non-Muslim girl asks me out. Nice trick shaytan!

Update on the Quest: A Non-Hijabi and Some Competition

2008-05-21T19:51:00.000-07:00

Just when I think I've paused the Quest, it doesn't. The momentum is just too much to stop.

Girl #1: This is the 2nd non-hijabi I encounter in my Quest. My family's friends with her family. Upon my mom's insistence, I came along for "just another" family visit. Her family didn't know why I was there, but I'm sure they had their suspicions.

Conclusion: Like the first non-hijabi girl I visited, this girl is from a different world than I. She's more "American Arab" than "American Muslim", though she still seems to have good morals. Ironically, she used to go to the halaqa of facebook girl's mom. We had little in common. No chemistry at all. If we marry, we'd be like oil and water -- tolerant of each other but each to their own world. It didn't make sense to go forward.

Girl #2: I saw her at a Muslim conference. No, this was no ISNAesque conference. It was a small conference, for Muslims, but on a topic completely unrelated to Islam.

Like always, the number of females in these conferences is miniscule. So any young hijabi I see I'm automatically interested in. Her existence tells me her intellectual mind thinks more of just school and Islam. And that's interesting.

I noticed her during a talk. Her personality: lively. Her beauty: not gorgeous, but good enough for me.

What to do? I need to talk to her somehow. How? Well after the next two speakers are done, there's refreshments, so I'll just go talk to her when she's checking the booths.

Long story short: the girl leaves during the 2nd talk. That speaker was boring. I would've left too were it not for her.

She walks right by me. Should I stop her? Should I run after her? I don't know. I prefer to be more discreet than that. I'm sure I'll see her again if she's in the right circles. And then next time, I'll just say "Hey! I remember you from the so-and-so conference!". That's a good conversation starter.

Interestingly, there seemed to be another guy eying her. He walked over to her and her friend and offered them food during the two minute break between the two speakers.

I was busy at the time with a teenager who grabbed me for some questions. He was a bright kid, and I love teenagers in general, so I couldn't ignore him.

The food-offering guy then sat behind her and I think tried to talk to her. But she kind of ignored him. Who is this guy?

Later during the 2nd talk, I see the guy handing over a business card to the girl. Not his business card. Some card he got from one of the booths. I think he asked her to write her email on the back of the card. She did.

I caught the guy's name from his name tag. Need to know who this guy is.

Unfortunately, when the girl left and also walked past me, she did not have a name tag. Notice to all hijabi girls: wear a damn name tag at all times in a conference. Print your name clearly. In big letters. Put it on your shirt. Your purse. Your hijab. I don't care. Just make it visible!

I think that's the easiest, most halal, least awkward way for Muslim guys and girls to know each other at conferences. Name tags! Simple! All I need is a name and I'll figure out who you are and how to get to you, and maybe come knocking one day.

I later looked up this guy. He just graduated from a second rate university. His Facebook status is 'looking for a job'.

But he sure is better than me in getting a girl's contact info. Maybe I need to be more "in your face" just like this guy. I don't know.

Girl #3: ...to be continued. And as a bonus, I'll talk about a Girl #4 next time.

Don't read this if you don't want to procrastinate

2008-05-14T21:44:00.000-07:00

I've always wondered what love and marriage was like in "true" Islamic societies. Back in the golden periods of Islam.

I think I found the best peek I will ever get: Tawq Al-Hamamah by Ibn Hazm. It was written in the 11th century and is full of Islamic love and marriage stories from Al-Andalus. But it's more than just stories, it's analysis of love and what lovers do, all in an Islamic context.

Interesting stuff. He's the Quest of Andalusian times! A Quest Master! :-)

Changing the topic, I have a lot I want to write here, but am not finding the time. Here's some things I want to write about, which ones are most interesting to you?

Stay at Home Dad: My Dream Job? (this article's 65% done)
Update on the Search (I have updates on 3 girls I've encountered since facebook girl)
Ode to Mom (in celebration of mother's day, an article talking about my mom's crucial role in the search, how she is the bestest mom in the earth, how the search has brought us closer, how no one looks out for you like your mom, etc...yeah I'm a mama's boy)
Tricks to Keep Women Off your Mind (this is a series with a most amazing ending!)
Seven Questions I have on Islam (questions that I believe are important but I haven't heard a straight answer from scholars or I just haven't researched enough)

So which post should I write next? Or should I even write? :-P

How Hijab is Not Necessarily Hijab :-(

2008-04-29T19:50:00.000-07:00

Again, I was hoping to ignore this blog for a bit but stuff keeps happening that I must blog about!

Here's the story:

My mom is told of a good hijabi girl, from a great family, well educated, reputable family, etc, etc...

I'm shown a picture of her, and although I am busy with my 2nd Quest, I figure, what the heck, she seems like a great girl, yeah I'd like to meet her.

Alright, so my mom calls her mom, they have a nice chat. Seems like a nice, down to earth family. One interesting thing is her mom says that her daughter's hijab "does not impress" her. My mom wasn't sure what that meant. But whatever, maybe she wears too tight clothes or something, it's hard to be a perfect Muslim these days.

Anyways, a meeting is setup.

My mom tells me of this meeting. Great!

Then, on a whim, I go on facebook, and facebook this girl. To see if she has anything.

I search her name. Her profile comes up. Oooh...I can view her profile!

Lots of pictures. Hmmm..in this picture, she's a little bit too close to this guy. What's up with that? Maybe that's her brother? Let's check that...no.

Next picture...she's hugging this dude. Please be her brother!

No.

Huh? Is this the right girl?

Another picture...her head tilted towards other guy's head. Touching.

One more pic...a guy is carrying her. She's smiling.

Another one...a very close body to body hug with another guy. Her hip is leaned towards his.

I'm reminded of this funny article I read a long time ago: Facebook Ruins Marriage Proposal.

I guess this is what her mom meant when she said "her hijab does not impress me".

So the question is? What should I do? Just not meet her at all, or continue with the meeting but mention these pictures somehow? I am 100% confident this is the girl, and these pictures were from a dance party with some friends of hers in school. I can't believe she has them on facebook...maybe she didn't know people like me can view them. Thank God!

"No good guys". Ha!

The "There are just no good guys" Fallacy

2008-04-21T17:22:00.000-07:00

I was hoping to ignore my blog for a while, but then I saw this post from Asoom's Blog and I had to reply.

Let's make this quick. Here's the essence of Asoom's post:

"It seems that our communities have evolved so that today there are more "eligible" females than "eligible" males. One theory that I have as to why is that the generation before us (and before them) gave the male gender too much credit and held them accountable for less. This practice bred a new generation of males that is less ambitious than their female counterparts, which is where we are today.

This has especially caused a frustrating trend amongst the overachieving, independent young female crowd. Everyone wants love and fantasizes about "the one" and yes it's all naseeb, but in their moments of weakness many girls feel they have to lower their standards and be willing to settle for less in order to not be alone.....and some girls seem to always be in that moment of weakness. "There are just no good guys" is an exaggerated line that begins many conversations nowadays."

I agree to some extent -- educated woman outweigh men these days. But there's more to it than that.

"Good religious guys" start looking to marry as soon as they financially can -- typically in their early 20s. They can't help it. Since they're religious, the only way to satisfy their built-in, intense desire for women is to marry. And this desire is always there, in the back of every man's mind since puberty, like a ticking clock.

They're still ambitious guys, but they need to satisfy their hunger (it really is like hunger), so they work marriage into their education plans. It's doable. Constraints + Urgency breeds creativity in these guys.

And because they're smart good guys, they realize their financial goals and become financially well off in their early 20s (or enter medicine/law/dentistry where future financial pay off is guaranteed).

And now, they're 22 and ready to marry! They start looking around for girls. Naturally, they look for younger girls -- a girl in the 19-21 range. "Good, smart, ambitious girls" in the 19-21 age range.

And what are these "good, smart ambitious girls" doing when they're in that age range? They're also busy working on their education. Getting into dentistry, grad school, whatever.

But because female physiology is different. Girls don't feel that intense urgent need to marry. Don't get me wrong, their desire is equal to a man's, but it's way more dormant. Their fire needs more kindling before it fires up (correct me if I'm wrong, I have little experience with women after all). And because "good" Muslim men and women are conservative and keep unnecessary interactions to a minimum, the men don't get a chance to kindle the woman's fire and have the woman fall in love.

So what do the women say before they even meet the "good guy"? "I'm sorry...I need to focus on my education right now...no marriage until I get that degree!"

Am I right or wrong? If you're an educated girl reading this, were you even considering marriage when you were 19-21? Were you welcoming suitors? You were hoping that you'd meet "the one" in the MSA and fall in love there. But the MSA is such a narrow circle, that chances are, you won't meet the one there.

And if no suitors came knocking when you're 19-21, I have a hard time believing that. Most likely what happened, is that suitors came knocking to your parents, but your parents shoo'd them away so that you don't get distracted from your education.

But there's still a good number of "good girls" in the 19-23 range welcoming marriage. But they're scattered all over the country. Logistical issues, the guy's criteria, his parent's criteria, the girl and her family's criteria, all combine to produce a low probability of the two people being a match.

So the good guys become fed up, book a flight ticket, and marry from back home. The marriage contract is sealed and signed well before these guys are 25. And even sometimes, a child is already on the way.

A few years go by, and the good girls have now entered med school, or whatever their goal was. At age 24, they announce to the world they're ready to marry.

Some girls even wait till they complete their advanced degrees. i.e. when they're 27 or even older.

Anyways, so the girl is 24 years old and considering suitors. All the suitors that come are older than her ofcourse. And she's wondering...why are most of these suitors not "good guys"?

Well, because many of single Muslim guys over 25 are not "good guys". They weren't able to marry in their early 20s either because they weren't smart/ambitious enough to figure out how, or maybe they failed to attract any girls, or maybe they were married to their hands if you know what I mean and thus satisfied the urge to some extent, etc, etc...

The "good guys" want to marry well before they're 25. And most of them do get married before they're 25 (with marriage from back home being the carte blanche).

This is the story behind me and many of my friends. But some of my friends have married alhamdullilah. Let's see how:

Friend #1: Typical MSA love story. Girl was his age.
Friend #2: Typical MSA love story -- but his parents did not approve. Got fed up and married from back home.
Friend #3: Flew all over US and Canada meeting potential girls. Almost got engaged but dowry was ridiculous. Flew back home and married from there.
Friend #4: Looked around here. Saw nothing. Married from back home.
Friend #5: Was in love with someone back home. As soon as he heard she was about to get engaged he swoopt in and took her.
Friend #6: Typical MSA/Community love story. Girl was older than him by a year.
Friend #7: Did a lot of shopping around for girls. He did finally find one by the time he was 26.
Friend #8: Lucky guy -- found the girl he wanted in the same city as he was and married her. He did relax his requirement for the girl's education level though.
Friend #9: Looked around in the US. No naseeb. Married from back home.
Friend #10: Married a friend of a friend in the US. I think he was 25. So a good story here.
Friend #11: Looked around a lot in the US. No naseeb. Took the next flight back home and married from there.
Frined #12: Married from back home. I think he was 27 though.

So 7/12 married from back home. The rest married from here. The majority were less than 25. All of these guys I consider great Muslim men. They're devout, have a good personality derived from Islam. Are practical but without compromising their religion. Good to excellent career prospects. Have good knowledge of Arabic. Active in the community. Treat their family well. Have average or above average looks. Are ambitious, reflect a lot, and don't mind being wrong.

I'm the youngest of them all, and I've so far held out from flying back home. But I recently set a certain deadline to myself -- if I don't marry from here by that deadline, it's back home for me too.

(Sorry if this post is a little disorganized. I first was meaning to write it in less than 10 minutes, but it was too tricky of a post to write in such a short time, and I really gotta get back to work...)

Signs that A Muslim Guy Needs to be Married

2008-04-16T18:03:00.000-07:00

What Next: Two Girls and The 2nd Quest

2008-04-15T20:17:00.000-07:00

Pardon me. I'm trying to write this post in less than 5 minutes. Things may be a bit messy.

Ok, so what's next for me? Well, there's two girls I have in mind for the next step in the Quest.

Both are through family or friends of friends. Both seem pretty interesting. One seems to be more involved in Islamic work, so I'll probably go for her next.

But, I'm involved now with a 2nd Quest, unrelated to marriage. I always had this 2nd Quest, but now alhamdullilah, it's getting more serious. You can say that I am 'engaged' now to this Quest, but not yet married.

Shoot. 2.5 minutes left. Let's go!

So I'm kind of at a conflict. The 2nd Quest is taking up a lot of time + energy. So I'm not sure if I can build a relationship during tha time. And it adds a lot of risk too. Nto sure if I want to have a brand new wife during that time.

I always wished that I'd have a wife by me by the time I get 'engaged' to this 2nd quest. But I guess not. That's cool. Both ways are good.

Less than a min. left!!

Anyways, I might go back into "passive searching for girls", rather than "active searching".

What this means is that for the next girl, I'm going to wait until we meet naturally, rather than forcign it through formal means.

5 min. Good night!

Update on the Search: The Story of PhD Girl

2008-04-12T08:41:00.000-07:00

Alright. I got an uninterrupted block of time, and I'm high on caffeine. It's time for my latest update on the search. Let's do this!

PhD Girl....when I first saw you, I was like "I sure hope this is the girl so and so was telling me about". And sure enough, it was you. And you brought me food. And it's true. The way to a man's heart is through his stomach.

And we talked. And we had a lot to talk about. You're different though. It was your business eyes. I couldn't see any shyness in you. Odd for a Muslim girl. And you were not afraid to look into my eyes. But they weren't lustful eyes. They were business eyes. You were talking to me like I was another "sister" of yours. I was confused.

"What makes you tick? What rules do you live by?", I wonder. "I guess I'll have to find out."

And so I send an "agent" to know more about you. And another "agent" to see what your marriage plans are.

And then an interesting coincidence happens, and I see you again. But this time, a guy is with you. My heart is broken.

And the 2nd agent comes back to me. "Quest, she's not interested in marriage. 'No marriage till my PhD is done. I'm just too busy for a husband,' she said."

"Ah, another sister suffering from busy girl syndrome, may God help us all...and destroy Israel!", and thus you seal my heart.

But then our lives begin intersecting in interesting ways. And all of a sudden, you're very interested in being around me and my family. And everytime we're around each other, we find out even more interesting things between us. And you were asked in front of me, "PhD Girl...would you marry while doing this PhD?"

"It's all naseeb!" you said.

It's all naseeb? Hmm...an interesting change in your answer. And there were many other interesting changes in your answers. Perhaps, you're on a quest for Quest? I guess I'll have to find out!

And so we start going on "halal dates". You, a mahram, and I. And we chat and chat and chat. "It's all naseeb!", you say again. And the heart is rekindled.

Trivial reasons were given for these dates, and you played along very well. And you never flinched in talking to me. And were never afraid to sit facing me. And never afraid to talk about marriage. And discuss your life plans.

"Clearly, she's clearing the runway for me," I conclude. "And she's damn good at it...maybe too good. She's either clearing the runway or crazy. I guess I'll have to find out."

"I think we had enough of these halal dates...it's time to declare my intentions, " I say.

And so a final halal date is setup, using an even more trivial reason. It was a Friday. A beautiful spring day. Right after the Friday prayer.

And as usual, she's on time. The sun shines on our table. And amidst the awkward silences of our chit chat, I pose the question:

"PhD girl, we've gotten to know each other a lot lately, and we discussed marriage many times. I don't usually talk to a girl like that, unless there's a reason. What do you say if you and I..."

She leans back. Her face turns yellow. And so I automatically know her answer, but have no choice but to finish my sentence,

"...explore a road that leads to marriage."

A quiet voice comes out of her: "Quest, I want to focus on my PhD."

My memory of that moment is too scarred to recall things in exact order. But I remember a predominant sense of accomplishment. Finally, I have an answer from her. And finally, I now know exactly how she views her relationship with men...she has absolutely no hayaa. And one of my motos in life is "to fail more...to try more things and not be afraid of failure." And here I am, absolutely failing! And I did all the right things...this was a totally halal relationship, with totally halal intentions, and I prayed istikhara, and the rest is from Allah.

And a sense of relief comes to me. Woohoo! The uncertain future is gone...no need to merge our two lives together, no need to organize a wedding, my current plans remain unchanged. Wealth is infinite and freedom is at it's max. It's back to the good old bachelor life.

But still, I was shocked. And with shock comes anger. Didn't you say this PhD wasn't taking up much of your time? You do know me don't you? I'm in total support of your PhD! In fact, with me, you'll probably do better in school! And what was all this "It's all naseeb" talk? So you thought all these halal dates were "just for fun"? And so many people marry while they're in school, it's absolutely normal! And it's half the religion! And our two lives fit perfectly together! You can have two birds with one stone! But please do realize...I'm not trying to convince you to marry me...I want it to come from you...but I'm just trying to understand your point of view. And a good husband isn't something you can shop for, he just pops his head up one day and you have to take advantage of it!

Her painful answers:

"I'm just happy with my life as is"
"I know myself...if I get married, life will become too comfortable for me, and I fear that I'll drop out from the PhD program"
"Oh and that 'It's all naseeb' thing? That's just idle talk..."
"I'm sorry if you misinterpreted our halal dates...you were like my brother. That's all. Like family."
"It's not you! Really, it's not you Quest! Mashallah, you're a great guy...a nice guy"

That last one I hate the most. That's the ultimate blow you can give a man.

I don't buy her arguments. And it's natural for a girl to say no the first time -- a mystery in life I have yet to figure out. So the question is, should I persist with her or no?

Well now that I see her true colors, I'm not persisting with her. She's too liberal with men. She shouldn't have treated me "like family". I'm not her brother. I'm a strange man she got to know over a few months. She doesn't know my family either. Even girls who were attracted to me were much more reserved than her. I still can't fathom why she's so liberal like that. She's so liberal yet so traditional...she's an enigma to me.

And with that issue resolved, we resume the conversation with safer topics. As we leave the coffee shop, we wonder if we won anything with our coffee cups. This particular shop was having a promotion with each coffee cup you buy. My Canadian readers would know exactly what I'm talking about -- it's very similar to Tim Horton's "Roll up the Rim to Win".

"Sorry! Please try again", the three damned coffee cups said.

Swimming is Good for You

2008-04-05T15:56:00.000-07:00

The Euphrates, Iraq

"'Abdr ar-Rahman was faced with the choice either of spending the rest of his life in flight, perpetually in danger of being handed over to the Abbasids, or to found his own empire, sword in hand.

...when he fled from the Abbasid bailiffs in the east, he reached the Euphrates, threw himself in and swam across. His younger brother, terrified by the water, turned back, and was beheaded."
Titus Burckhardt, Moorish Culture in Spain

Abdr ar-Rahman then made his way from Iraq to Spain, enlisted the support of former Ummayyad officers in the newly occupied Spanish coast, and established the Caliphate in Al-Andalus.

And the great history of Al-Andalus was born. Swimming is good for you.

Addendum: Actually, the wikipedia article of Abd-ur Rahman has an even more interesting account of this swim. Fascinating!

Addendum II: Oh my God! The whole story on Abd-ur Rahman in the wikipedia article is fascinating. This is an amazing story to tell if you teach or hang around Muslim kids. Regardless, read the wikipedia story!

Addednum III: Amazing: "One famous story which persisted through history related to a gift Abd ar-Rahman was given while in Malaga. The gift was a beautiful young slave girl, but Abd ar-Rahman humbly returned her to her previous master while saying, "I will not indulge in any distraction, be it of sight or of the heart, until Spain is within my grasp”.[9]" (Ok, I promise I'll stop adding addednum's now!)

Experimenting with My Anger

2008-04-02T18:00:00.000-07:00

"What makes you angry, and how do you deal with your anger?"

A girl once asked me this question. It actually was one of her first questions in the process of knowing each other. It caught me off guard a bit, because "anger" was a topic far from my mind. It's like telling me that girls shave their legs, or that the mall has security cameras so you better watch out for them before you covertly pick your nose. These topics don't cross my mind often.

To answer the question, I recalled to her the last three times I was angry, and they were all minor and quick episodes, so I did well. Phew!

But if you ask me today this same question. I'd tell you I get angry with people every day. And I'm starting to think that this anger is good.

I've been experimenting with my anger for the last couple of months, just giving it free roam once in a while, and I'm starting to like this tool. It makes me feel alive, clearly communicates my thoughts to people, saves time, and gets results. My first victims were telemarketers, and seeing immediate results, I went on a rampage with anything else I didn't like in this world.

I'm not sure yet how much of what I'm doing is good and how much is not. And I'm definitely not sure what the long-term consequences will be. But so far, I'm loving this anger tool.

You might be quite angry with me right now. How dare I say such things! I'm clearly a chauvinist pig! Another male idiot! It's ok, I'm angry with you too. If you think "anger" is 100% evil, or that "compromise" is the way to go, or "win/win" outcomes are always the best, then my anger wants to talk to you.

Here Mr. Angry Quest, tell them what's on your mind:

Hello readers! Anger, used correctly, is an amazing tool. I see anger as a way to highlight my thoughts for people. It tells them I'm serious. That I think I'm right. And I'm not backing down. It makes people listen. It affects people's hearts.

The anger I've been experimenting with doesn't last long. It usually happens when I see something that's clearly wrong. And it only lasts for one sentence. Then I'm back to my normal jolly self. And in fact, I usually feel guilty and make up for it right away. But my point has been made. And the person is going to be extra careful next time.

Now is this all Islamic? I'm not a scholar, but do some research on anger in Islam, and you'll see that although anger should definitely be controlled, it is a great weapon that needs to be used in some instances. (As I said though, I'm still experimenting, and don't really know where the sweet spot is).

Unfortunately, most of our literature and culture concentrates on eliminating anger, which led to young teenagers like me to do just that. And it was wrong. And I'm angry with that culture. I wish someone taught me this:

"The reasonable man adapts himself to the world, the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man."
-- George Bernard Shaw, Maxims for Revolutionists

The society I live in has a few screwed up things that make me angry. I work to change these things. That's how I deal with my anger.

P.S. Yes, the girl and I ended up liking each other and wanting to marry. But my parents vetoed it. I got angry, but after some thinking with them, I agreed and let it go.

It's not you, it's your books.

2008-03-29T12:07:00.000-07:00

Good NY Times Article. Yep, I always bring up books when I'm meeting someone. Easy way to know the other person and have a conversation flow.

But you know what? I've lately stopped reading books. I felt like I was reading too much and doing too little. Now most of my time is spent "doing". Which is another thing to think about if you're in a thinking mood. How much of your life is about consuming, and how much is about producing? For example, how often do you read, and how often do you write?

But sometimes, you need a good book to relax with. I'm actually looking for that kind of book. Got any suggestions?

P.S. Yes, I haven't updated in a while. Don't worry, the Quest hasn't stopped. In fact, I thought it was going to end. But it didn't. But maybe it paused :-).

Three Times This Week

2008-03-03T18:54:00.000-08:00

A girl: "It's a wonder you are unmarried!"

A friend: "I can't believe you're not married yet. This is not a good outlook.." (he's looking to start his quest soon...)

My mom (in Arabic, with the appropriate Arab voice inflection): "I can't believe you haven't married yet!"

Me neither! It's all naseeb. It really is.

Ouch

2008-02-28T21:11:00.000-08:00

Many things to talk about...new history lessons, new quests, and a change in plans. But for now, make du3a' for this guy:

I shouldn't complain

2008-02-17T21:03:00.000-08:00

I keep seeing articles with this theme over and over again describing the dilemma of Arab youth back home. Sexual frustration is a powerful force. It can't be pent up forever. Anyway's here's the article intro, click the link to read the full article:

The concrete steps leading from Ahmed Muhammad Sayyid’s first-floor apartment sag in the middle, worn down over time, like Mr. Sayyid himself. Once, Mr. Sayyid had a decent job and a chance to marry. But his fiancée’s family canceled the engagement because after two years, he could not raise enough money to buy an apartment and furniture....read the rest of the NY Times article.

Alhamdullilah for the ni3ma we have here in the west.

Another story from the past!

2008-02-15T17:11:00.000-08:00

Fascinating!

...After his conquest of Luata (north of the Middle Atlas [ in Morocco]) Abu Bakr [not the same as Abu Bakr as-Sadiq] returned to Aghmat (at the foot of the High Atlas) where he had previously married a woman named Zaynab, the daughter of Ishaq al-Huwairi, a merchant from Kairuan. She was strong-willed, shrewd, prudent, and judicious and so skilled in business that she had been given the nickname 'sorceress'.

The Emir remained three months with her, until an emissary from the south brought him the news that the Sahara was in a state of tumult. Abu Bakr was a pious and temperate man who could not suffer that Muslims should be attacked, and their blood unnecessarily shed. He thus resolved to travel to the Sahara himself, in order to restore order and repulse the unbelievers from the Sudan. On the day of his departure he took leave of his wife in the following words:

'O Zaynab! Thou art a creature of great goodness and perfect beauty; but I must leave thee and go to the Sahara, there to seek the reward of martyrdom in the holy war. As a frail woman, thou couldst not bear to follow me and live in the desert. Therefore I divorce thee. When the legal delay is over, thou shouldst marry my cousin Yusuf ben Tashfin, for he is my leutenant in the Maghrib.'
From Fez: City of Islam.

Abu Bakr rode off to the Sahara and took care of the war. Yusuf married Zaynab, and with the help of her street smarts, subdued the rest of the Maghrib and went up north and reunited Al-Andalus (and overthrew Al-Mu'tamid, the character from our previous story).

Some thoughts:

These guys were busy! What have I done in this life?
A common fear of marriage today is that, khalas, once you're married you're going to have to "settle down" and dial down any ambitious efforts. These guys definitely didn't have this issue.
This divorce case is very interesting. It seems like people were more practical about marriage and divorce back then.

Toota toota, khilsit el-hadoota!

Long Distance Relationships

2008-02-13T20:26:00.000-08:00

What are your thoughts on getting to know a girl who lives far away?

There is this girl that I'm interested in knowing more, but between her and I is a day on a plane.

I sometimes think that I should make contact, but then I say, be realistic Quest, she's too far away, and you barely know her.

What should Quest do?

Marriage from Our History

2008-02-12T19:57:00.000-08:00

A fascinating story of how Al-Mu'tamid, a past ruler of Seville, Spain, got married:

One evening, as he was strolling along the banks of the Guadalquivir in the company of his irreplaceable firend, Ibn 'Ammar, he tossed the opening lines of a poem at him:
"The wind turns the river
Into a suite of chain mail..."
But even before Ibn 'Ammar could take up the rhyme and develop it further, a girl of the people, who was passing by, continued in the correct meter:
"What a fine suit indeed,
If the frost made it freeze."
Taken aback, al-Mu'tamid looked round for the poetess, and, struck by her beauty, he sent his servant to bring her to him. Her name was I'timad, she said, but she was usually called Rumaikiya, as she was the slave of Rumaik, for whom she drove mules. When al-Mu'tamid asked if she were married, she replied that she was not. "Good," said he, "I shall buy you free, and marry you." She was gifted, beautiful, and ablaze with ideas and impulses. Al-Mu'tamid remained devoted to her for the rest of his life, and indulged her every wish to make her happy. He derived his public name, al-Mu'tamid 'ala-Llah (he who trusts in God) from his wife's name, I'timad ("trust").

From The Moorish Culture In Spain

Based on this, some new ideas for getting married:

- Ask questions that provoke discussion in one of these Islamic workshops/classes. See which girl jives with your opinions in the discussion.

- Start a blog and pay attention to the comments and blogged reponses

- Recite poetry randomly around ISNA. ;-)

But then again, perhaps Mu'tamid was the last ruler of Sevilla in his dynasty for a reason. He was overthrown by Yusuf Ibn Tashfin of the Al-Moravids (Al-Morabitoon). The Al-Moravids (atleast the first generations) were known to be more focused in their Islam. See comments

Time to get that scientific discovery out of the way...

2008-02-06T18:54:00.001-08:00

...because apparently Marriage turns off the genius in you.

But then I think of the Prophet Muhammad's life. All his contributions to the world were made while he was married.

Perhaps if your motivation to do great things is to please God rather than to please woman, then this article doesn't apply to you.

A supportive wife would help too.

Why do I have chemistry with this girl, but not that one?

2008-01-23T21:18:00.000-08:00

That's the question I was thinking about the other day and I think I found my answer.

The key was to realize that even with my friendly male relationships, there's "chemistry". Some male friends I feel a connection with more than the other -- why?

This was an easier question to answer because as a single male Muslim, I have way more meaningful relationships with guys than girls. There's just more data to examine.

I thought and wrote and thought. And it was an ideal moment actually, because I was on a beach, sitting on a rock, with the sun warming me up and shining on my notepad. What more do you need for a Eureka moment?

The answer was surprisingly simple. When I'm with friends I have a close connection with, I become my true self. They are their true selves too. Saying what's on our minds, expressing our annoyances, and talking about our aspirations actually enriches the relationship.

As for friends I have less of a connection with, something forces me to hide a part of myself. Why? Because if I do become myself, tensions arise in the relationship, and it might fail. So instead, I avoid conflict to maintain the relationship, but at the cost of not being my entire self. Thus, the friend is not plugged into my "true self", and so there's no chemistry.

So the key to generating "chemistry" in a relationship, is to be my true self around others, to encourage them to do the same, and risk a chemical reaction, er, conflict, from time to time.

Update on the Quest

2008-01-20T19:10:00.000-08:00

Last night I dreamt that everyone knew who I was. So I'm just here checking to see if the dream was true or not :-).

Sorry for not updating frequently. My resolution this year is to lead a "lean and mean" life. One of the benefits of living in the modern world is that I can use my time in so many ways, and one of the drawbacks of living in the modern world is that I can use my time in so many ways. So it becomes my responsibility to pick the right things to spend the time God gave me on this Earth.

So the bad news is that I'll be blogging less here, but the good news is when I blog, it will be of higher quality and with good purpose (inshallah). If you however want to write about your experiences of finding a spouse on this blog, or ask the readers here a question, I'd be happy to post that. Just email me.

With that said, here's the latest on my search:

Girl #1: A family friend recommended this girl. I got to know her first by email, then telephone. We went along fine. She's smart, pious, relaxed, and comes from one of the best Muslim families in North America. I wanted to like her, but the one thing that could not enter my heart is her looks. I tried my hardest and even asked for more pictures of her, and followed that hadith that basically recommends you to look at what would make you attracted to her. She wasn't ugly, but she just didn't seem to make an effort in looking good. After a family visit, she still didn't seem to make an effort, and all my initial attraction to her was undone, so I didn't move forward.

Girl #2: I was semi-interested in this girl for a while, but from her personality it seemed like marriage was far from her thoughts. I finally got a trusted friend to talk to her and see what her marriage plans were. She said she has plans to do a Ph. D. and "could not balance marriage life with a Ph. D.".

Girl #3: Also a girl I was semi-interested in. Her family was not interested in talking about marriage while she was in school, so as to not "scramble her mind" with the big decision of marriage and possibly make her grades suffer. Her older sister recently graduated though and she wants to marry, but she's the same age as I and I'm more interested in the younger one.

That's it! The Quest continues. How was 2008 so far for you? What are your resolutions?

Eid Eves

2007-12-18T23:41:00.000-08:00

Salamualikum Rana,

It's the night before Eid and I'm staring at the ceiling. About 15 years ago today, I also was staring at the ceiling, but for a different reason. I was excited about Eid Al-Adha. That night, I couldn't contain thoughts like wearing my brand new Eid clothes and running around with fresh horns attached to my head scaring my little sister.

I'm a man now though, which means that in between thoughts of running around with sheep horns, I think of more serious matters, like our future.

Eid Mubarak,

Quest

Me vs an MBA: Contact with another busy girl (Part 2/2)

2007-12-01T18:37:00.001-08:00

Heads Up: Some facts changed to protect privacy.

The busy girl, let's call her Maha, and I meet, along with some family of course. Everyone was excited to meet in person for the first time, and the conversation flowed easily.

I was proud to see this meeting happening -- all out of one courageous phone call to her father! It really pumps me up whenever I see a thought that was once in my head become reality.

A minute into the conversation, and Maha gets to the topic at hand. She wants to do an MBA, but she's been having trouble getting into the top schools in the US. She just got accepted to the two-year INSEAD MBA program in Europe though, and she's going to go there. The program involves travel across Europe and Asia though. For two years. Marriage isn't a possibility.

And with these short sentences, she crushes the entire argument I had prepared. I didn't know she's going to Europe. Her parents didn't tell me that!

I inquire some more about her plans, trying to judge how determined she is and if there are any holes in her planning. She's clearly very excited about her decision. I get a feeling that she hasn't given me a second's thought! She's quite determined. She deals a final blow to my heart: "I will never be satisfied until I get this MBA".

This statement did sound a little extreme. Alarm bells rang in my head: a practicing Muslim would never say a statement such as this. She is religious and has excellent Islamic knowledge though, perhaps this was just a slip up, or a hyperbole to express her strong determination.

Anyways, a couple of days later, I talk to her on the phone. One last try with this girl. Here's the 32 minute conversation summarized:

Me: "Maha, you and I talked about how finding a good spouse is one of the best things that can happen in a person's life. So here's my proposal: the MBA in Europe option is now in your hand. It's not going away. In the meantime, let's get to know each other some more, and if things go well between us, there are plenty of MBA schools in the US, and you can always re-apply to the ones you wanted to enter."
Maha: "Being a successful business woman is my dream since childhood. I'd rather remain single my entire life than not get what I want!"
Me: "Maha, marriage is half the religion, NOT an MBA."
Maha:
Me: "Yeah...I know...this is a big decision for you.."
Maha cuts off in a quiet voice: "yeah..."
Me: "And I'm not expecting you to say yes or no over the phone..."
Maha again cuts off: "yeah..."
Me: "But at least think about it!"
Maha, with the same quiet voice: I will.

I haven't heard from her yet, and I don't expect to. May Allah direct her to what's best for her and her deen. And soon after Allah directed me to other good things to be busy with, so it's all good!

Contact with Another Busy Girl (Part 1/2)

2007-11-21T05:13:00.000-08:00

Maybe it's my luck or something, but in my quest to find my wife, I've encountered a lot of these busy Muslim girls that want to hold off marriage until they "establish" themselves in their chosen schooling/careers.

You can read about my last encounter here.

Just recently, I had another encounter! Now with this girl, I was informed beforehand that she wasn't looking to marry right now, since she wanted to enter and complete grad school first. She would say no to any suitor that comes by, without even seeing or knowing him.

Regardless, I didn't see her grad school as an obstacle to marriage. It seemed like my life and hers could be merged easily, and marrying me would even help her aspirations.

But first, I had to get her attention. I had to somehow show her that I'm not the typical suitor. Make her curious about me.

Traditionally, like any Arab guy, my mom would call her mom and have the initial conversation about marriage. This obviously didn't work for other guys with this girl, so I had to a choose a different strategy.

So what I did was call her father directly, introduce myself, and mention my interest in his daughter and my desire for both of our families to get to know each other.

It worked.

The parents and the girl were surprised by my daring step. After learning some more about me, the parents clearly love me, though warned me that the girl was very focused on her ambitions and doesn't see why any man would want to marry her when she's so busy.

Nevertheless, the parents wanted me to succeed, and the girl seemed open to knowing me. So after a few phone calls back and forth with her parents, I had a "halal date" with the girl.

To be continued...

Warren Buffet on Considering a Woman

2007-11-19T18:47:00.000-08:00

From a trip by Dartmouth MBA students to hear and chat with Warren Buffet:

Q: When you consider an acquisition, what are the first things you look for in a management team?

A: Well, what do you look for in a girl? Seriously, you look for the logical things - passion, an interest in running the business, honesty. Such as, do they love the business, or do they love the money? This is the first filter. ...Secondarily, if you've been doing it a while, you get to know how to do it. But obviously no management team is perfect, so you're often stuck making a judgment call. You don't want to wait forever to find the perfect team. Incidentally, a friend of mine spent twenty years looking for the perfect woman; unfortunately, when he found her he discovered that she was looking for the perfect man.

Classic Buffetism! Read the full report for some more down to earth advice on business and life.

Today

2007-11-14T19:46:00.000-08:00

Today I said Salamualikum to a random hijabi of my age walking on the street. She said walikumassalam back. That's pretty much it! :-P

On Talking To Strangers, Being a Genius, Living Dangerously, and Finding That Woman!

2007-11-13T19:52:00.000-08:00

Wow, I stumbled on this blog today, and it captures many of the things I'm striving to live my life by. Wow wow wow! Amazing articles:

There's also a couple of useful articles on meeting women. They're ofcourse slanted towards the goals of dating than finding a wife, but if you filter that out, the advice is still useful: Meeting Woman Online and How to Start Meeting New Women Every Day.

Happy reading!

Contact From The Other Side

2007-11-13T04:19:00.000-08:00

Subhanallah, soon after someone asks me what I feel about a girl approaching me , I get an email from a sister who I spoke with at an event.

She wondered if I was interested in chatting some more with the intention of marriage.

I didn't see any compatibility between us however, so I did not pursue the matter.

The fact that she approached me however did not turn me off, I just didn't think there would be any naseeb between us, so there you go...

Note: One of my readers commented that the original version of this post was a bit harsh towards the girl. So I edited it and tried to be more courteous, do you think it's courteous enough now?

A Successful Failure

2007-11-11T07:28:00.000-08:00

I was at a Muslim function the other day, and one of the girls welcoming people sparked my interest.

I take a good look at her face, and was mesmerized. She becomes aware of me, and looks to the side and towards the ground, shy, trying to hold back her smile.

A few instances of this happen, with her looking or me looking. My interest was obvious to her.

I did suspect she may be a bit too young for marriage, but I wasn't totally sure, so decided to go ahead and find out.

Window of opportunity was small, since the brother/sister barrier was about to rise up! I had to know who this girl was, and had this drive to go up and talk to her, to show my eye contact wasn't for nothing.

I clarify my intentions to myself, and gather the guts to walk up, and all of a sudden this cloud goes over my brain, unable to think clearly, but I manage to say a couple of words and ask a couple of questions.

It's obvious she knows why I approached. As I was walking up she had this surprised facial expression, kind of not believing I'm doing this. And then again, she really shies out and holds back a smile.

I make a fool of myself in front of her, because of this brain over my cloud, it felt like I was caught red handed for stealing or something, but I was happy that I executed and walked up.

Several moments later, I inquire about her. The brother chuckles, "Dude...she's only 16 years old!", confirming my suspicions.

I laugh back and look away. A sad laugh it was!

He was also looking for a wife. We share some experiences from our quests, and I feel a strong bond forming between us, like we're part of the same pack of wolves or something.

I leave the event feeling happy. Sure, I failed at finding my wife today, but I succeeded at executing and finding out what I needed to find out about this girl.

And the quest continues...

Two Questions

2007-11-08T19:21:00.000-08:00

The comments had two questions lately, so here they are and my answers:

salaams..Question 4 u? Would you marry a divorcee?

Assuming she's really good and compatible, I would. BUT my family would be totally against the idea. And since I'm fairly close to my family and I think their support is a key ingredient for a successful marriage, so I may choose to not marry a divorced woman.

Now if polygamy wasn't taboo in our society, the story changes, and it would be easier for me to marry one if it would make a positive impact in her life.

What is the first thing you notice in a girl? Is it the hijab she wears on her head, her eyes, the way she acts around other people, her facial features? There must be something that draws you to certain sisters, so hopefully you could answer that!

I don't know if there is a 'first thing'. It depends on what she's doing, where I am in relation to her, who she's with, what my relationship is to her, etc...It changes from girl to girl.

For clothes, just normal and respectable clothes would do. I'm hesitant to consider a girl wearing tight clothes, that's all. Ok, a nice hijab sometimes gets my attention, but it's not required.

Facial features influence me. I tend to look at the face as a whole, rather than a specific part. I know some people who see a girl with, say blue eyes, and immediately decide she's beautiful, just because of the blue eyes! I'm definitely not like that. I don't care about the colour of the eyes. A decent looking face is good enough for me. Smooth skin influences me.

If I could choose, I'd go with smooth skin that is white, but not pinkish white, just white, or wheat white, and then combine that with black eyes. Kind of like Sandra Bullocks, or that actress from Little Mosque on the Prairie:

Too much makeup will make me hold judgement on a girl's beauty until I see her with less makeup. Now if a girl is wearing absolutely no makeup and still looks decent....subhanallah, masha'Allah, and insha'Allah! ;-)

I like cheerful, optimistic, 'let's do it' type people. I think this is the biggest thing that draws me to a person, girl or guy.

A smile increases one's attractiveness by 5000%. I think I need to work on smiling more myself. (I generally smile when I talk, but otherwise, don't). A girl that smiles at me has my attention.

The next part is hard to explain in English. The Arabic word to describe a girl with this characteristic is rakza. It's a combination of being calm, mature, and reasonable. A girl that talks at the right times about useful things and speaks well. That gets my attention and makes me respect and care for her.

I don't care if a girl is social or not, but I am hesitant to consider a girl that is too social with guys.

Finally, no matter how beautiful a house is, if the doors are caged and locked, and the windows are slammed shut, I'm going to be discouraged from knocking on the door. It's really nice to see some discreet welcoming sign.

What could that discreet welcoming sign be? It could be eye contact, a smile, the girl 'by chance' being more around me, a girl taking part in a conversation I'm involved in, a girl taking my side on some issue, sharing some food with me, etc... I can't love if I don't feel a little loved!

Video: I am a Muslim

2007-11-07T19:33:00.000-08:00

Not related to marriage, but we need to take a break from time to time ;-)

Subway Girls

2007-11-06T04:58:00.000-08:00

Some guy saw the "girl of his dreams" on the subway, so he created this website to find her.

I'll take this as a reminder that if I ever see a girl I'm interested in in the subway, I should just go up and talk to her. I have good intention, and there's no loss if she rejects.

I remember NY subways though. People are very anti-social. Only the weirdos and the homeless start up conversations. People avoid eye contact with each other and assume everyone around them is out to get them.

That's a big social disease I tell you! And I'm not a part of it!

Update on the Search

2007-11-01T21:18:00.001-07:00

Someone asked when I'll give the 'scoop' on the girl I said I was gonna meet.

Here's the story: parents agreed and setup a time to visit. Then they tell their daughter about it. Daughter doesn't want to think about marriage now, got two years left to university, lives in different city, isn't ready to change the course of her life yet, bla bla bla.

Not a surprise. In fact, just before I was told about this, I was thinking...hmm...this girl lives in a different city and has a bit to go in her schooling...what is going to happen if there's naseeb between us? I'm not willing to move cities, and I'm probably not willing to reserve myself for this girl for 2 years and then marry here. Would she be willing to switch universities? Doubt it...hmm...should bring this up before I visit maybe.

I later forgot about that thought until the thing got cancelled.

Ah well. I didn't think much about the girl this time. A trusted person recommended her to me, said she was good, and so I let them setup the visit. In fact, I didn't even google the girl's name. Normally I do that before visiting any girl. This time, I decided that "I'm feeling lucky". So no loss...

This isn't the first time I run across girls like this. These type of girls won't consider marriage unless:

You're in the same university and fall in love...
You're in the same city and your two lives naturally align with each other
You met her elsewhere, by chance, and she falls in love...
You present a clear "once in a lifetime" chance to her, such as a green card (think girls back home).

In other words these young, busy girls aren't willing to drastically change their lives for marriage unless they're forced to through love, or a green card. Once a girl is done with school and hits 24 or 25, she starts seriously looking to marry. That's my theory at least.

And the quest continues...

We are Pioneers

2007-10-24T18:28:00.000-07:00

Been busy lately, but let's try for a quick post...

So I was thinking about that NY Times article on that Muslim woman's search for a good husband (my blog post, the article), and one thing that came to mind is that this woman is probably the first in her family to search for a husband in a western society. I don't think she has a role model in her family who's 'done it before' and can teach her the ropes about how to find that needle in a haystack -- that man who's in tune with her, modern society, and traditional Islam. She's like a pioneer -- settled in a new land and trying to do things that land is not setup for. Maybe that's why she's having so much trouble?

Hmm..I like those three 'in tune' attributes by the way: in tune with (1) the personality, (2) the society, and (3) the religion. That pretty much sums up what I'm looking for. Interesting...just another example of how writing your thoughts out lets you discover new things about yourself.

Anyways, sorry for sidetracking. Back to the 'role model' idea:

I look around me, and I see very few married people who I can point at and say "this is the way you find a wife and get married in the west". Most of the people I know either found their spouses by fluke - met in a MSA-type organization, fell in love, you know the rest of the story -- or, married from back home.

A small number found their wife in the west via a more systematic approach (usually people connecting people together or meeting specific girls somehow). And usually these types of people are hush hush about how they found these people, the girl, how many other girls they met before, what were they looking for, what they found, what their experience was like, what they'd do differently if they could do it all over again, proper ways of approaching a girl or her family, etc...

So if you have no one around you to 'show you the way', then you have to find the way yourself. Sure, some of the way is already lit up by what the books and scholars teach us, but still, there is no best teacher than a real live person who's done it before.

And this lack of role models expands to other aspects of our lives as practicing Muslims in the West: from how to work and socialize with non-Muslim friends, to how to balance career pressures with religious duties and activities.

In other words, I see four types of Muslims in western society. The fourth type is what I consider to be ideal:

A group that lives in its own world and has isolated itself from mainstream society.
A group living double lives -- when they're with Muslims, they're Muslim, and when they're with non-Muslims, they reluctantly hide their Muslim identity.
A group that shed its Muslim identity and completely assimilated into the mainstream.
A very small group that is doing very well as Muslims and as productive citizens. A group that is not ashamed to be known as a Muslim, and in fact, is proud of it. They are role models to both Muslims and non-Muslims. They stand out, not like a black dot in milk, but like the full moon in a black sky.

I look up to anyone in group #4. Group #4 is what I strive for. I don't think we have many people in group #4 yet, but I think that's because we're still a young immigrant community figuring ourselves out. I see many young ones who are striving to be in group #4.
Insha'Allah, by the time I have kids, I want to clearly be in group #4.

I want my kids, and every other Muslim kid, to be raised by parents in group #4 - those who figured out this whole society and how to be a fully practicing Muslim within it. I want my kids to have excellent role models they can look up to and ask, whenever they encounter a challenge in their lives. I want my kids to have a dead simple time finding a good Muslim wife in a big non-Muslim society.

If you are interested in joining me in this mission, and raising inshallah beautiful group #4 kids together, then please send your resume, photo, and a 500-word essay to areyou@thesweeteone.com. Applicants may also apply toll free via 1-800-RU-SWEET. I am an equal opportunity bachelor...

...Joking ;-)

A Female Version of The Quest?

2007-10-18T20:46:00.000-07:00

Check out http://mypath2bliss.blogspot.com/. Two Muslim girls, under pseudonyms of H1 and H2, are blogging their thoughts, and marriage is one of the themes:

"What's the world coming too? A girl has to do so much to actually be noticed in a crowd, or it is just the world I'm living in that all this is occurring? The guys just want to flirt and the girl is left as the victim in all of it. She is let go of as soon as the dude gets bored of her and thinks somewhere out there he will find a more "suitable" spouse. Maybe go overseas? They are more "pure" there, and they won't be intimidated by them. It's really sad or should I say pathetic? I really don't know anymore..

Oh god, this is nothing! If I really wanted to start on this topic I would be talking till I was 50!"

Yeah a girl has to do so much to be noticed, because we're small communities that do so much to hide girls from guys. And as for the flirting and guys getting bored...a lot of us guys out there are idiots you know. We're all humans, so when we say 'no', it doesn't necessarily mean we picked the right answer.

Anyways, so there's not many entries in this blog, but the ones that are there are pretty interesting. I like it when people reflect on life, and this is exactly what these two girls are doing.

If you find my blog interesting, then you'll find probably find theirs too! So check it out!

By the way, when you guys comment on my blog, you often make my day, encouraging me to write further. So do it on these girls' blog, and any other blog you like...

Joke of the Day

2007-10-16T18:25:00.000-07:00

A good laugh for you nerds out there. The sad thing is I did one day sit at home and make similar graphs! :-) See my post about Marriage and Your Market Value.

That First Meeting...

2007-10-15T21:21:00.001-07:00

Alright, things have been setup, and inshallah I'll be visiting a family soon to meet them and their daughter. Make du3a'!

I'm pretty comfortable nowadays with these 'first meetings', but for the the sake of sharing knowledge with others, are there any girls reading this blog who have experiences with these 'first meetings'? Any useful advice you wanna give? Things not to do, things to do? What to talk about?

Typically, in the 'first meeting', you don't talk to the girl one on one. It's more of a family setting where both families get to know each other. You may talk to the girl as part of the normal family conversation of course.

It can be a little awkward, since there's no room to get into a deep conversation with the girl, usually everyone knows why this meeting is happening, and chances are, one of the parents is still 'fresh of the boat' and you may have to try harder to find common interesting topics to talk about.

Usually, with the first meeting, I talk more to the parents then the girl. I would argue that in the first meeting it's more important to win the hearts of the parents than the girl. If the parents like you but the girl doesn't, you'll get a second chance, but if the girl likes you and the parents don't...I'm not sure what happens.

If I had to guess...I bet a lot of times, no matter what you do, the girl is undecided or lukewarm after the first meeting.

Then in the second meeting (if there is still interest on both sides), you get a chance to talk to the girl one on one, with the parents at a distance.

Topics to talk about in the first meeting...a lot of it is rudimentary stuff really, the weather, what everyone does in life, how's school, a mandatory exchange of family histories and The Story of Immigrating to America ;-), talk about siblings, what the Muslim communities are like in various cities, MSA, a touch of politics here and there, short childhood stories, etc, etc...

If you have anything to share about these 'first meetings', comment away! I'm sure many google searchers out there would find them interesting in the least.

That would be nice...

2007-10-14T19:49:00.000-07:00

Imagine, you're wondering about this world alone, and then one day, you wake up and see something beautiful sitting near your head! From a hadith:

"Iblees was expelled from Paradise and Adam was dwelt in it. He wandered around in it alone as he had no partner in whom he could seek comfort.

Once when he slept and then woke up, he found a woman sitting near his head, who Allah had created from his ribs. Adam asked her, "What are you?"

She replied, "A woman."

He further asked her, "What are you created for?"

She replied, "So you can seek comfort in me."

The angels, who were well aware of the extent of the knowledge of Adam, asked him, "What is her name O'Adam?"

He said, "Hawwa (Eve)." They asked, "Why it was Hawwa?" Adam replied, "Because she was created from a living thing.""

I felt that deep sense of comfort with one girl before, but things outside of my control made the relationship not work out.

Eid Mubarak!

2007-10-13T22:05:00.000-07:00

I love Eid Al-Fitr! Why? Because once it comes, I feel like I've worked for it with the fasting and praying of Ramadan. Struggled for it. Anything good that comes to me after a hard struggle tastes much better than if it came to me with no struggle.

Eid Al-Adha is very similar, since it comes after Hajj. But unfortunately, I don't do Hajj every year, so it doesn't compare to Eid Al-Fitr, especially here in North America where the society doesn't celebrate it.

This talk about struggle and the sweetness of the victory that follows reminds me of marriage! ;-)

Back when I decided to seriously start looking for a wife, I was thinking "Man...I'll probably find a wife so quickly and easily, that I fear I won't taste the full sweetness of getting married..."

Haha! Boy was I wrong! How naive I was...lol.

Back to Eid -- one could say that Eid Prayer is a great place to renew relationships and identify good sisters. In fact, my mom and I after Eid Prayer walked around and struck up conversations with hijabis we haven't seen before!

But you know what, I've come to the conclusion that there is no better way of finding a good wife than the traditional way. I'm talking about enlisting your family, trusted friends, and community members for recommendations of good sisters and families.

And then after they recommend you sisters and provide some details about them, you decide who's family to approach first.

It's simple, direct, and open. And since it's based on referrals, the quality is much higher.

Even in other situations, recommendations from trusted people are the way to go. For example, it's usually better to hire someone eligible that was recommended to you by a friend than an equally eligible person you saw on monster.com. Or, choosing a restaurant based on a word of mouth recommendation is better than picking one from the street or the yellow pages.

This method however assumes there are people in your community that know many of the good sisters. And if there are few sisters in your city, then you need to find someone who knows good sisters in other, more Muslim-populated cities.

A Muslima's Story In Finding A Husband

2007-10-11T06:32:00.000-07:00

Kind of sad story in the NY Times. Inshallah she meets the husband to complete her life. Here's the story: Close Enough to Touch Was Too Far Apart

On another note, I'm really happy this made it to the New York Times. A sign that the Muslim identity has become a more recognized part of America.

Mission Failed!

2007-10-09T20:40:00.001-07:00

Didn't manage to talk to the sister one on one. Someone unexpected showed up and hung out with me the whole time! Sometimes I wish I was a stranger in this city.

Ah well, need to pursue other options.

Today

2007-10-09T05:57:00.000-07:00

Today, insha'Allah, I'm going to walk up to a certain sister I'm interested in and talk to her. It's in a public setting ofcourse, but this would be the first time I talk to her without someone with me.

I've considered other options, and determined this was the best. Just cut to the chase and be direct.

Materialism

2007-10-04T19:56:00.001-07:00

Just wanted to post something quick to say I'm here. Been busy lately. And then you know how Ramadan breaks your whole routine...Oh, and Ramadan Mubarak! :-). I love fasting. You know how the Prophet said that if you're not married then you should fast? This is the best advice, I'll explain my perspective later. Us bachelors have Ramadan all year round! ;-)

I was chatting with a friend of mine recently about marriage and all that, and one thing that we quickly agreed on is that even us 'good' Muslims have a little bit of materialism in our heads.

But this materialism is nothing when you read things like this classic Craigslist posting and response. I can't believe there's people like that who want to marry purely for wealth! I thought it was just a myth. But even more interesting is the guy's response. Much respect I have for him!

So just a reminder to myself and everyone else that beauty depreciates, while personality and deen appreciate in value if you choose to work on them.

Conversation Starters

2007-08-19T10:39:00.000-07:00

Inshallah everyone's doing well and in the best of eman!

As for me, alhamdullilah things are going well. I've been busy with other life things so I guess I'm taking a bit of a break from the quest. Oh, and that girl #8 I referred to in my previous posts...apparently her family only want guys from the same nationality.

Anyways, so the other day I was working on my New Year's resolution of striking up conversations with random strangers. I was at a coffee shop and noticed a guy sketching Osama Bin Laden on paper. I chatted with him and discovered he had the same interest of talking to random strangers! He mentioned something that I kept thinking about for days:

"You know...most people don't talk to each other because they don't know what to talk about. It's always good to have some kind of conversation starter with you."

In this case, his conversation starter were his sketches.

So what kind of conversation starters do we carry with us? Reading a Qur'an or anything in Arabic is often a conversation starter, having a t-shirt with interesting text or art is another one, being the odd one out in a group setting in general is another one, an interesting cell phone starts conversations, wearing a hijab with an interesting pattern is probably another one. The weather is probably the most popular conversation starter there is and ever will be!

You know, I'm reminded of useless furniture out there often called "conversation pieces". These are items designed to spark conversations in your living room. There's even entire rooms architected to be conversation pieces!

I realized a couple of years ago that I can't conquer everything in life by myself. Finding a good Muslim wife, for example, is one of these things that is highly dependent on who you know and who knows you. The more people you can enlist for help, the more options you have in solving your problems. Identifying conversation starters is one of these things that can help you turn strangers into helpful friends.

Interesting Read...

2007-08-12T14:14:00.000-07:00

I got nothing much to say today, but here's an interesting read I stumbled on from Esquire: My Life as a Hot Woman.

It's about a man who setup a profile on an online dating site on behalf of a good looking woman he knows, and he filtered through all the emails of men wanting to get a date with her. Interesting to read how different men tried to attract her.

Ofcourse, this article has little relevance to practicing Muslim men, but it's an interesting read on male behavior nonetheless.

Re: What I'm Looking For...

2007-08-04T23:08:00.000-07:00

Wow! 19 comments on my last post! That's a record! Thank you! Made my day!

Aaaron ElMagnifico was browsing my site as I posted, so he had the first comment, and comments with the same theme followed. Excerpts:

"Oh, and about your list. You got to ease down a bit. If you start to break down a girl into certain traits, then you're not seeing the big picture"

"As a Muslimah I wouldn't want someone to expect me to be perfect and be checking off points about me on a list. I would want him to accept my good qualities as well as shortcomings and accompany me throughout life to grow as a better Muslimah."

True. Let me clarify my view. I absolutely don't check a list off every time I meet a girl. I would hate that in the same way I hate those "100 questions you should ask a prospective husband" (although I often enjoy challenging a girl to ask me her hardest questions!). I would just use it if I'm very hesitant about a girl. I ask myself, "What is it about this girl that makes me hesitant?", if that thing is not a biggie on my list, then I put my trust in God and keep on going. So the list would only be used to spring me back from indecisiveness. For example, I could be hesitant simply because of fear for the unknown future, and that should never stop me from getting married.

Many things on the list can be developed in time. As long as someone has potential and interest to develop them, then I'm fine with that. For example, up until a a few years ago, I wasn't an active book reader. What made me one was a quote that went something like "The person you will be in two years is defined by the books you read now", and that made me discover the treasure of books.

Moving on...to this very juicy comment:

"Did it ever occur to that perhaps you may find your sweet one through this blog? Yeah,I know you have chosen to be strictly anonymous, but, maybe there is a reason that you started this blog in the first place. Everything happens for a reason. Or maybe the blog was intended to be a sort of learning tool; something to make better sense of who you are and who exactly you would like to call your sweet one. Allahu'alam. I have been meaning to ask you that for a while."

Yeah my main intention is to use the blog as a self-learning tool and a place to vent. It did occur to me that I may find the sweet one through this blog. After all, if you're patient and interested enough to regularly read my text-heavy posts, then you and I click in some way.

Not sure how it could happen though without losing the anonymity. The only sure way is for you to send me your info, I do my research, and I'll find a way to get into your social circle. But I doubt a girl would want to send her info to some anonymous dude on the 'net. Who knows! I may be a psychopath with a fetish for hijabis...or the CIA trying to influence the minds of Muslim Youth! Another alternative is to comment non-anonymously, for example I know Affad and Aaron's social circles.

And another great comment:

"We all make lists of things we want in our future spouses...but what about ourselves? Would we satisfy similar lists of others? Or even our own?"

Oh yeah. I'm the first to examine myself and list where I'm lacking. Been working on myself for years now, and I still have much work to do! :-)

And another one:

"ur comment on family....jus remember we dont choose our family like we choose our friends etc...so would u still want her family to be to ur expectation if she met ur MUST AV list. Say she is great in all matters expect her family lacks sumthin u after..."

True. It depends on the overall picture. I realize there are bad apples in almost every family. At the same time, part of a healthy marriage is mutual understanding and flexibility between the two families.

And then there are all these people trying to guess who I am and where I live! I find your perceptions of me very interesting. I don't know, maybe I'll be found out one day, I write with this assumption anyways. Being anonymous is really just a way of tricking myself into opening up. It might be a little embarrassing, but then I think how embarrassing it must be to be George Bush today, and things are put back into perspective :-). I knew Georgy would be helpful for something! Everytime you worry about your failures, just think about George Bush!

Ciao.

What I'm Looking For In a Girl

2007-07-31T18:36:00.001-07:00

In light of all the experiences I've had with the marriage process recently, I sat down a few nights ago and listed all the qualities I want in a girl. The question to myself was, "After visiting so many girls and families so far, why the heck have I not found the right girl by now? What is it that I'm looking for, are there any patterns in the reasons I stop considering a girl, and am I being too picky?"

Surprisingly, it didn't take long to come up with the list, and I'm pretty confident this is what I'm looking for. Here it is, in prioritized order:

Must Haves

Muslim. Wears Hijab.
Good deen and character
Easy to communicate with
Speaks Arabic (and good English ofcourse)
Same age or younger than I

Usually, these are also must haves, but I might ignore if she is really good in other qualities:

University educated
Pleasing to my eye (well...she always has to be pleasing to my eye...but she does not necessarily need to be beautiful for that to happen)

Has to have some or all of these qualities:

Wants to do something with her life and is pro-active about it
Sociable with both Muslims and non-Muslims
Likes to learn. Reads books.
Mature. Has intellectual depth. Speaks for a reason. Definitely not an airhead.
Fun. Likes the outdoors. Likes to try new things.
Copes well with random changes in life (small and big), even welcomes them. Optimistic.
Feminine
Comes from a good family (religious, educated, appreciate the traditions)

So which qualities do I often find missing in a girl? What are the bottlenecks? I'd say the biggest is age and beauty. If I want a girl that's younger than I and beautiful, it's likely that she won't have the other characteristics I'm looking for, especially maturity and intellectual depth.

The problem is that I'm fairly young, and a lot of the younger ones are either still in school, in another city than I, and have more than one year left in their education.

Futhermore, a lot of the interesting ones want to pursue higher levels of education, so if you're not in the same city as they are, the logistics make it harder to marry.

These factors, coupled with the fact that my family needs to approve of the girl and her family, and that I'm living in an area with a small selection of hijabis, makes it pretty hard to find the right one.

I'm happy with my bachelor life though, and I'm working on many fronts to find the right girl, so as long as that's happening, I can wait forever!

A Poll for You

2007-07-30T22:28:00.000-07:00

Here is something I've been pondering about: let's say I'm interested in a girl, want to know her more with the intention of marriage, and I have two options:

1. Be up front with her and ask her if there's a way we can know each other more with the intention of marriage.

2. Work with her on some community projects. Get to know her more, get her attention some more, and once I'm more confident about her, bring up the marriage question.

Going through parents is not feasible. The above are the only two options available. What would you recommend? In your answer, please mention your gender so I know where you're coming from.

Thanks!

I Love These T-Shirts

2007-07-24T15:05:00.000-07:00

From Reactee.com. Isn't this such an awesome idea? You can put in whatever message and sms # you want. Check out their gallery here.

Maybe I should make me one of these t-shirts for the next big conference I go to. What message would you put?

What a month!

2007-07-23T20:14:00.000-07:00

Salamualikum, it's been a while hasn't it? :-) Hope you're doing well!

I have a draft post that I started writing a couple of weeks ago, called 'The End'. I now look at it and laugh and cry a little 'cause it's definitely not the end anymore!

Almost got engaged to girl #7. Short story: Things were going well with her. There was one characteristic of hers though that bothered me a bit, but I concluded no one was perfect and the issue would go away over time. She had so many other great things about her too and the relationship was going very well between the families. I was not 'in love' but I definitely cared for her, was content, prayed istikhara often, and put my trust in God. Later on, she informed me of something that validated the issue that was bothering me and made me realize it was bigger than I originally thought. I thought back to the fundamental things I looked for in a girl, and it seriously broke one of them, so I pulled out.

Not the way I wanted the relationship to go, but alhamdullilah. One very valuable thing I learnt from this girl and the experience in general though, is not to worry much about the future, and just focus on the present. At the beginning of the relationship, I was worrying a bit too much about how we would integrate our lives together, where we'd live, what kind of life we would want to lead together, how would I know if she's really the one etc...

I kept praying istikharah and making du3a' for Allah to put some calm in my heart. During the same time, I discovered and began listening to the Muslim Mores Podcasts. One episode, I think it was the one titled "Outsource your Worry", really hit me. The episode emphasized that if you try to micro-manage every detail of your life, you are essentially competing with God. Who am I, to micro-manage my life, when God took care of me in my mother's womb? Or when I was a delicate little child? Attempting to micro-manage your life is futile, things will never go as you expect. It's just a formula for more stress. Just let go, and put your trust in God. Don't worry too much about the future, just focus on the present and do your best in what you can control.

I could swear that episode was meant for me! It's like life is a gushing river, you can't really control the flow of the river, or the position of the rocks ahead of you, but you can definitely control how you swim. And if you do hit a rock, don't worry about it, you did your best, and God will judge you on that. Besides, we do need to be hit in the head from time to time! ;-)

From this, my view on having kids after marriage has changed. I don't mind having kids right after marriage now. Yeah even I am surprised by my sudden change of view. And I'm not sure about my whole 'Would you fight a lion for your girl' post.

There are other very good episodes in that podcast btw. I recommend you check it out.

So I let go, and girl #7 turned out not to be the girl for me.

And back to the bachelor life I go...until very recently, when I literally crossed paths with a potential girl #8. And a new chapter begins...

Checking in..

2007-07-06T01:03:00.000-07:00

I check my email...and whoa! Lots of comments. Yes I'm alive :-). Sorry for not updating for a while. Lots of news to share, but for some reason or the other, I can't get in 'the zone' of writing a post. I know what I want to talk about, but I haven't been able to get a solid block of time to get in the 'zone' and write.

Anyhow, hope everything is well with you. I love the comments. There was one stinging comment that said I'm stuck in the 'I have my own life' syndrome. Ouch. Yeah I think there's some truth to that...bachelor life can lead you into that syndrome.

And then there was another comment saying that my posts 'touched you all'. Well, that comment touched me!

And to the person who suggested I put a pic of myself. Nah...I like the anonymity of this blog, makes the words come out easier.

Kids

2007-06-08T21:40:00.000-07:00

After all the thinking and writing and doing that I do in my quest to get married, I still have skewed motivations behind what's driving me towards marriage.

What makes me want to get married? The biggest reasons in my mind are companionship with someone whom I can trust and build a life with, satisfaction of my physical desires, staying clear of haram, and clearing up my mind so I can focus on more important things because I often catch my mind thinking about girls, girls, and more girls...and that's really annoying!

The least of my reasons is having kids. Isn't that weird? The majority of a typical married life is one with kids. If kids are going to exist in 90% of my married life, then shouldn't they form 90% of my motivations to get married? It's no where near 90% for me...

At this point in my life, I don't want kids. Don't get me wrong, I love kids, well, maybe not during their early months when all they do is eat, sleep, cry, and poop, but past these early months I really like them.

The thing that scares me is how much time and commitment kids require. You have to sacrifice for them, and the thing is, I don't think I'm ready to sacrifice at this point. Sad, ain't it? I can see myself having kids a few years into marriage, but definitely not right away after marriage. I have a lot of aspirations and dreams, and I see kids as an obstacle to many of these. You can't take as much risk in life when you have kids. You are not as flexible anymore when you have kids. For example, good luck traveling the world if you have kids! Good luck taking long road trips! Good luck working for a non-profit! Having kids seems to decrease the freedom in one's life.

I know what you're going to say. Having your own kids is the best thing in life. The happiness you get is unimaginable. Yes, it's definitely unimaginable, because I can't imagine it! ;-) My gut feel though tells me that I shouldn't worry, everything will fit into its place in time. I bet something will click in my mind that will make me want to have kids (or maybe we'll just have a kid by accident, since Allah can decree anything, in which case, it's all good).

As soon as we have one kid though, then my true Arab heritage kicks in and I would want ten kids, since it's all kind of downhill from there (ok maybe not ten, but you get the point). So the issue is not the # of kids, it's when you have that first kid. You enter a new stage in life at that point. I don't think I'm ready to enter that stage.

Just wanted to put these thoughts in writing...

P.S. Yeah yeah, you don't care about this, you want to hear more about Girl #7!! I know what you're thinking, "Whoa, Quest! You're already thinking about kids??? That Girl #7 must be reaaaaaaaal good!" Relax, I'm still at the zeroth stage with Girl #7, I haven't even met her yet! The 'meeting' got delayed (sometimes that first meeting of two families in different cities takes eons to setup, and sometimes it's because of these damn kids! :-P).

From the Department of Duh...

2007-06-01T07:59:00.000-07:00

Breaking news from the BBC! Accepting some misery in a relationship is the key to happiness.

Well, duh! You don't need no expert therapists to tell you that. Like the stock market, there's going to be ups and downs in a relationship. In fact, there has to be downs so that you realize the happiness in the ups.

This extends beyond relationship too, to life in general, there's going to be bad times, no matter who you are. The key to happiness is how you deal with these bad times, not whether they happen or not.

Gosh, I wonder what other breakthroughs the BBC will be reporting to us next!

Google, Sex, and Modern Society

2007-05-27T16:40:00.000-07:00

I was listening to Hamza Yusuf's Khutbah on Heedlessness the other day, and he mentions in minute 13 that Muslim countries have the highest per capita downloading of pornography compared to everyone else in the world.

I investigated further and checked out the Google Trends on the keyword 'sex'. He's right! Seven of the top ten countries that search for 'sex' are Muslim countries.

I'm surprised and embarrassed. Why are the Muslim countries at the top of the list?

Thinking about this some more, I think the reason for our high listing is the combination of (1) delaying of marriage in Muslim countries till people are in their late 20s and early 30s and (2) that real sex is harder to find in Muslim countries than non-Muslim countries.

So in a non-Muslim country, all you need to do to have sex is go to some night club and pick up a girl, no need for searching Google. In a Muslim country, most people can't do that, so what they do instead is go to Google, search for sex, and watch a video of some non-Muslim picking up a girl from a night club and having sex with her.

Factor #2, that sex is harder to find in Muslim countries, is a good thing. But #1, the delay of marriage, is bad.

I think the design of our society when it comes to marriage is seriously messed up. We're told to go to school for 20+ years and THEN get married. On the other hand, we hit puberty just after we're 10 years old, and are expected to be patient till we're done with school and get a job. This is hard.

It's stupid too. Being patient for 10 years before having relations with a girl is totally against the desires God put in us. The weaker among us can't wait 10 years and so will find ways to 'quench their thirst' via Google or elsewhere.

A hundred years ago, society wasn't like that, you were financially stable and mature when you were about 16 and thus were able to marry. Think about how old your grandparents were when they married. This whole wait 20+ years thing is relatively new, and it's definitely not designed for people who don't want to have pre-marital relations. It's not designed for Muslims.

If I were to design today's society from scratch, I'd make it so that boys and girls are financially stable and intellectually developed enough so that they are able to marry a few years after they hit puberty.

How can you do that Quest? That's impossible! 16-year old kids can't handle marriage! Yes, today's 16 year old kids can't, not because God didn't give them the faculties to handle marriage, but it's because today's society has developed them into blinded teenagers that spend their time in the prison we call school, obsessing about cars, movie stars, or the latest meaningless fad, and not really teaching them how to take care of their mind & body, let alone kids and a wife.

For more of what I'm talking about, read this.

If you're reading this blog, you're probably someone like me who's going to be patient till marriage. If so, pat yourself in the back, because doing that in a western society is hard! Do you think your kids will have the same patience though? I fear not.

I'm seeing it today. Many second and third generation Muslims do have pre-martial relations. I don't blame them, I blame the environment they were raised in. We need to make it easier to practice Islam in this environment. Enabling our children to lead a successful married life at a young age would be a huge step towards that direction.

It's hard, but having your kid introduce you to his girlfriend one day is going to be hard too.

The Chemistry of Love

2007-05-23T23:09:00.000-07:00

Light a mixture of ethanol and hydrogen peroxide and you will get a calm, blue flame. Add in some potassium permanganate and the flame turns into a fiery fire.

Some essential reactions in your body normally would take millions, if not a trillion, years to complete. Put enzymes in, and these same reactions now take milliseconds!

Arrange an official meeting between a guy and girl for the purposes of potential marriage, and they have a hesitant interest in each other. Put the same guy and girl in some MSA team and have them work with each other for the sole purpose of organizing some Muslim event, and they fall in love.

A Muslim guy and girl are meeting for the purposes of potential marriage. The conversation is lukewarm, until they discover that they were in the same class back in Kindergarten! They are elated at this 'amazing' coincidence. The conversation is much more exciting now due to this 'special connection' that in reality is meaningless.

So what does potassium permanganate, enzymes, working with a girl in the MSA, and discovering shared meaningless facts between you and a girl have in common? They're all catalysts! Things that accelerate a reaction between two compatible entities that would normally be slow to react. In one case the entities are chemicals, and in the other, the entities are people!

I have this theory that under the right catalysts, I can fall in love with any reasonable Muslim girl and believe she is 'the one'. But if you make me meet her in a very formal and official 'marriage meeting', things likely are not going to click, even if she logically would be a great wife.

We need these catalysts to make us 'click' and bridge the gap between emotion and logic.

Girls are really good at using catalysts to attract guys. The most common catalyst is makeup (but sometimes too much makeup could be an anticatalyst!).

You know what...these 'catalysts' are referred to commonly as turn-ons and turn-offs. So you can think of it that way too, but I enjoy being a nerd, so I'll stick with catalysts and anticatalysts :-).

Maybe in a later post I'll talk about the catalysts, and anticatalysts, that have affected me previously.

Hope you enjoyed the chemistry lesson!

Girl #7

2007-05-18T23:08:00.000-07:00

Pondering my upcoming visit to meet girl #7. For some reason, I have a good feeling about her. From what I know so far, she might be the piece of the puzzle that fits with mine. But I really don't know. Inshallah kheir.

Is meeting 7 or more girls before you marry excessive? I have no idea. I know guys who have seen more girls than that, and are still single, and then there are other guys whom their #1 was 'the one' for them.

And I'm not even counting the girls I considered but I did not bother to meet with. And then there are the girls my mom considered, but rejected, without telling me a single word! I don't like it when my mom does that!

So what are my stats so far? For the first girl I met, it was a mutual rejection. She was from one world, I was from another. A second girl I met, I was interested in, but she was not (hey, I was still new to this meet girls thing!). The remaining four were interested in me. Out of those, I was interested in one, but the world wasn't interested in us two being together, so I broke it off.

A part of me wants to make things work with girl #7. Sometimes I feel like I just want to get this marriage thing done and over with. It can be frustrating at times. All four girls that had an interest in me would have made good wives, so why didn't I go with any of them? Perhaps the problem is with me, maybe I just need to close my eyes, and jump.

Great Paper on the Status of 'Islamic Dating' Today

2007-05-13T01:23:00.000-07:00

I stumbled on this great paper by Islamic Research Foundation International. It's the first time I see the marriage issue discussed in a pragmatic manner by a scholar.

The paper is a good overview of relationships between Muslim guys and girls living in the West, and how the opposite sexes meet each other for the purposes of Marriage.

The paper constantly refers to 'halal dating' as the proper way for Muslim guys and girls to meet each other. But I really hate this term, I prefer the term 'courtship'. Courtship implies your intention is marriage, and the term also sounds more manly and romantic to me.

Here are some excerpts from the paper that I really liked:

"It is a well-known fact that Islamic religious or cultural events are often segregated by gender? So how are the young North American Muslims supposed to meet and marry each other?

"Young American Muslims have come up with creative solutions to dating--and they fall into roughly three categories. The first group is "Strict Muslims" who date halal (in an Islamically permissible style). The second group I call "Eid Muslims," because many are not strict in practice and attend mosques only on holidays. While technically they are dating haram (unlawfully in Islam), without chaperones, they're keeping physical intimacy to a minimum and parental involvement at a maximum. The third group dates "Sex and the City"-style (definitely haram), openly and freely leading a non-Islamic lifestyle, having premarital sex sometimes in a series of monogamous relationships. "

...

In Great Britain, Muslim youth intermingle freely and happily with most of their non-Muslim friends. When they have friends of the opposite sex, they are almost always non-Muslims. What is the reason for this? Because there is no shame whatsoever at the school in mixing freely and exchanging views and feelings - but there is enormous suspicion placed upon young Muslim men and women who try to mix freely and exchange views as friends. This is true in the Masaajids also.

"We partly have the problem of those Muslims who simply regard this as a strict no-no, and feel teenagers of the opposite sex must be kept apart at any price. Usually all that happens here is that they are kept apart from other Muslims, but mix pretty freely with non-Muslims...."

...

"What we need is firstly to recognize that there is nothing at all wrong with young people meeting in situations where intimacy cannot occur because of witnesses; and secondly to create occasions in which they can meet safely in halal ways, so that they CAN get to know each other. The more of these occasions we can organize, whether family events or mosque events or conference events, the better. I also heartily recommend that males and females find at least some opportunities for sitting together at meals, and conversing afterwards."

...

We also have the problem that the type of young Muslim man or woman most praised by many Muslim elders is the ultra-serious, committed, ritualistic type of Muslim, whose Islam runs the danger of being judged by their ability to memorize Arabic passages (with or without understanding), or the growth of beard or school-uniform type of hijab, or the number of hours spent in prayers and Qur'anic study. Needless to say, I have no wish whatsoever to denigrate the efforts of these admirable people - quite the contrary. Please let that be clearly understood. However, having said that, Muslims of that type do not always make the best of husbands or wives, for they have that ascetic streak and zealousness of commitment that is beyond the reach of the majority.

The article is written by Ibrahim B. Syed, Ph. D. Whoever this guy is, he is my hero!

[Update: I read some of this guy's other articles, and some of his opinions are not with mainstream scholars, for example he believes that hijab is not an Islamic obligation, so I would take what he says with a grain of salt.]

Conferences & Hijabis

2007-05-12T01:35:00.000-07:00

Summer is here, which means more Islamic Conferences, yey! Check out ISNA's lineup.

I discovered a sure fire way to gain visibility and generate hijabi interest in me. Be a speaker in one of these conferences. It's a really great way for hijabis to get a taste of your personality, and then have something to talk about if you want to talk to each other.

What? Be a speaker? You mean I have to work and have something intelligent to say? Yep! It's way more effective than being a strange Muslim guy hanging out at Club ISNA. Sure, being a speaker is more difficult, but then again, successful people do tough things!

The Sweet One on Facebook

2007-05-08T21:42:00.000-07:00

Whether the company knows it or not, Facebook is helping solve the Muslim Marriage problem in the West. I love Facebook! It is one of the most important tools in the wife-search toolbox.

I use Facebook to (1) identify interesting Muslim sisters in my network that I otherwise am not aware of, and (2) help learn more about a sister before I decide to contact her family or someone who knows her declaring my intentions of getting to know her for potential marriage.

#1 is easy. Just lookup the sister's name if you know it, or browse your friend's friends list, or look at the members list of Muslim-related Facebook groups.

#2 is not easy since usually the girl's profile is not accessible. I usually can't send the sister a friend request since I don't know her enough. I can't send her a message unless I want to be perceived as a weirdo randomly messaging single sisters on Facebook (and don't get me starting on poking!). And if I'm not in the girl's college, company, or region, then I cannot view her profile, pictures, notes, or anything on her!

I find it especially annoying when someone in that sister's region, company, or university can see her profile but I cannot. A thousand Joes can see her profile, but not me! Just doesn't sound right to me!

Luckily, I discovered a workaround that would let me see a Facebook profile as long as it is public to the city the person lives in. I can see profiles of girls from Istanbul to Indonesia, right now, with no need to 'move myself' in Facebook.

I'm not going to tell you the exact steps, I don't want any loser to know this, just the smart losers ;-). I'll give you a hint though. Here's what you need to do to make your profile inaccessible to people who use this workaround:

1. Click on 'privacy' in the top right
2. In the 'Profile' drop down, select 'Some of my network and all my friends'
3. Deselect the networks from which you don't want people to see your profile

That's it! I think everyone should open up something in their profile so that outsiders can know what this person is like. But either way, Happy Facebooking! :-)

The Online Nikah

2007-05-05T23:10:00.000-07:00

Hmm, I know what I want to write about, but I just can't express it in the right words! Better leave it for another day...

What do bloggers do when they have writer's block? Link to other people's writings of course! So check out "The Online Nikah" by Maniac Muslim. Hilarious :-).

I like this new breed of sarcastic-and-controversial-yet-still-good Islamic sites like Maniac Muslim and UmmahFilms. Keeps things down to earth, yeah?

Revealing the True Personality of a Man

2007-04-27T21:51:00.000-07:00

Men (and probably women but I know the true face of many more than women) can be very good at having a split personality. They might be gentle, religious, and caring from the outside, but once they get what they want and you're locked into them, their hidden qualities begin to reveal.

I'm talking about masculine qualities like anger, disrespect, stubbornness, refusal to change, refusal to listen, and the need to remain powerful no matter how. The qualities that turn a man into a dictator.

How can you identify the true personality of a person, when they're trying so hard to present their best? This is a handy skill to have whether you are a police officer, judge, interrogator, interviewer, media person and surprise, a person in courtship!

I think one of the ways you can do this is to not to pay too much attention to what the person tells you or does for you, and instead, see how they deal with other people. Here's some examples. I have seen people do all these things:

Go for a car ride with this person driving. How does he drive? What does he do if someone cuts him off? Is he fine with slowing down from time to time to let other cars into his lane? If he goes in a rage when someone cuts him off and then says "This stupid driver must be a woman!", then that's an alarm bell right there!
How does he deal with little kids? Does he order them around? Ridicule them? Does he treat them as his equals? Does he try to befriend them? Does he ignore them? Is he easily frustrated by them?
How does he talk with his mom and dad? Does he cut them off? Laugh at their thoughts? Give them nicknames? I have seen all this done by both men and women!
You're in a restaurant with him. How does he treat the waiter? As his slave? What does he do if the waiter makes a mistake? What's his policy about tipping? If you ever interview for a senior management position, they will be paying attention to these little details!
What books does he read? Is his bookshelf filled with books like The 48 Laws of Power, The Art of Seduction, and The Prince? Don't tell me I didn't warn you then! Some of these books are good to read by the way, but they should also be accompanied with a good dose of books like How to Win Friends and Influence People, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, and Men are from Mars, Women are From Venus.

And of course, the best advice is from a Hadith says something like 'you never truly know what a man is like until you've travelled with him or had financial dealings with him'. So if you want a know what a man is truly like, ask someone who has done these things with that man. I couldn't find this Hadith btw, but I know it exists, any Hadith experts out there than can point me to it?

Do you think these things are good indicators of a man (or women's) true personality? Is there anything else that you look for?

Update: Thanks to Taha G, here is the 'hadith' I was referring to. Beautiful:

A man came to Umar ibn al-Khattab and spoke in praise of another. Umar asked him: “Are you his nearest neighbor such that you know his goings and his comings?”

“No.”

“Have you been his companion on a journey so that you could see evidence of his good character?”

“No.”

“Have you had dealings with him involving dinars and dirhams [money] which would indicate the piety of the man?”

“No.”

“I think you saw him standing in the mosque muttering the Quran and moving his head up and down?”

“Yes.”

“Go, for you do not know him...”

And to the man in question, Umar said, “Go and bring me someone who knows you.”

(quoted from Islam The Natural Way by Abdul Wahid Hamid, p. 66)

Re: Dear Queen Jameelah...

2007-04-22T13:54:00.000-07:00

Uh oh, looks my last post created a bit of a stir! Thanks all for responding! I know it takes a lot of time to write one of these long comments.

You know, I had this feeling for quite a while that there was something wrong with my blog. Too many people were agreeing with me, thinking I'm brilliant or something. I liked it, but deep inside, I knew I wasn't getting everyone's thoughts.

This actually reminds me of another thing I discovered about myself while talking to sisters for potential marriage: I see a red flag whenever a sister (or anyone in general) agrees with me almost all the time. "Why is she agreeing with me so much?" I would think. "Is she trying to suck up? Is she too nervous to disagree? Too accepting? Where is her brain?", are some of the thoughts that cross my mind.

I assume the girl is too shy to disagree. Usually, I would continue with my train of thought until I hit something that I'm undecided about. I would then ask her, "What do you think about this issue? I really don't know what to think here." That usually gets her to speak her thoughts.

Sometimes though, I feel mischievous and say something that I somewhat disagree with. She falls in the trap and agrees. And then I would be like, "Really? But what about...". She's now in the hot seat and forced to recover from an uncomfortable position. That usually encourages her to think independently next time.

Sorry for the divergence, now back to clarifying my thoughts on my last post. Here are my key points:

Women are equal to men, but they're different. I don't think women should aspire to be like men. And you've already proved you're better than men in a lot of ways. Look at the typical MSA meeting -- the majority in attendance are women while many men are out smoking shisha.
I am attracted to women who are mature, educated, intelligent, pro-active AND not afraid to be wrong, are easy going, and merciful. If I had to pick one set of these characteristics, I would go with the latter set (sorry), and then help my wife become more mature, educated, and so on.
We need more women (and men) who are critical thinkers and can present arguments in convincing and tactful ways.
Yes, I agree my Bill Clinton joke was distasteful, and at the time of posting, a part of me didn't like it but I wrote it anyways. Now that I think of it, it's wrong of me to judge Hillary Clinton since I don't know her personally. Perhaps inside her home she is feminine. Perhaps she needs to show very masculine qualities to become the President of the United States. From what I see of her though, I don't imagine myself getting along with her. And now that I think of it, I don't think I can get along with Al Gore either. Al and Hillary are both too rigid for me.

That's all. Hope this clarifies things. Unfortunately, I'm not going to respond to each of your arguments. The Internet is not an effective medium for such thing, it is best to do that privately and in person.

Some people will still disagree with me, I'd love to hear your thoughts because they keep me in check.

Now what the heck am I doing here? Enough of this! Summer has started, and the weather is amazing, I'm off to find my sweet one! ;-)

Dear Queen Jameelah...

2007-04-12T02:12:00.000-07:00

A few people have taken the time to respond to my recent posts. Your comments have not fallen on deaf ears, I just wanted to take a little break and let your comments bake in my mind for a bit.

I think Queen Jameelah was one of the first to mention me in her blog, so let's start with her post.

She wonders why a certain type of girl doesn't seem to attract Muslim men:

"..but WAIT there is another type of sister, the one who speaks her mind, the one who takes pleasure in intellectual discourse, the sister who likes taking care of herself (but is some how always labeled high-maintenance, when did it become a sin to like looking good, that's beyond my understanding, but back to my point),these sisters are self-initiators and not afraid of change and trying something new, these sisters can school anyone on a given issue from Islam to history to current events....YET these sisters are some how left out in the cold...Why???"

Good question. As a guy looking to marry, I do look for sisters that are mature, intelligent, and pro-active as you describe. I look for other characteristics as well however. I look for girls that are feminine. Ones that are merciful, patient, adorable, understanding, and easy going. Ones that have hayaa'.

Sometimes these girls that you describe don't strike me as very feminine. And don't strike me as patient or forgiving. Two qualities that are essential in raising kids and a solid marriage. Sometimes these girls' mission in life is to prove that they are better than men. I don't want to marry a girl that constantly tries to prove that she's better than me, even if she is. I just don't like excessively argumentative and brash people.

Take a look at Hillary Clinton for example. She is a mature, educated, intelligent woman. She might become the President of the United States. She can school anyone on many issues. Would I marry a girl like her? Heck no! When I hear Hillary talking, I hear a guy talking, not a woman, and that turns me off. I don't see her as satisfying my needs. And after the Bill Clinton & Monica Lewinsky fiasco, I have a feeling Bill would agree as well.

But there are woman that are feminine and leaders. I have seen them. They are amazing. Most of the girls I have met so far for potential marriage are like that. They are hard to find though.

I hope this makes sense. Moving on to the next comment:

"ohh and what is up with Muslim brother who are in their late twenties early thirties, finally financially stable, at a steady pace in the deen(still moving on up) and yet not married??? What is up with that, what are they waiting for because everywhere I turn I see SubhanaAllah amazing sisters, yet these brothers are looking for as Sheikh Saddullah so graciously said, "Muslim brothers want Super-Models in abayas, who have Qu'ran so eloquently flowing out of their mouths." Umm hello wake the hell up and flip this scenario for a minute because last time I checked I don't see Tyson Beckford (for those who don't know he is a model) looking brothers, who are sheikhs around any where....what happened to growing together and attaining a certain level of deen together, what is this a pre packaged deal....wake up brothers that's not how it works...and plus I think we sisters are getting the sour end of the deal, last time I checked so many Muslim women are gorgeous within and outwardly, can't say the same for the other sex..."

That's hillarious. Let me tell it from my point of view. I can only marry one girl in my life (inshallah only one girl), so yeah, I'm going to be picky. And I have high standards for myself too, so I do look at myself before judging a girl. The problem is that (1) there are few Muslim girls out there in the West, (2) we put barriers between men and woman to communicate and get to know each other, and (3) I don't want to just get married -- I want to get married to the right girl that has what I'm looking for. These three factors make it harder to find the right girl once you're ready to marry.

I sympathize with most of what you're saying though, especially the parts on marriage being too complicated these days and the need to eradicate racism in our community. Inshallah you'll marry the right husband soon.

Thoughts of a Muslim Man in a Plane

2007-03-28T00:12:00.000-07:00

The plane is preparing for take-off. Engines roaring. Plane moving on the runway. The stewardess gives the standard speech on procedures in case of emergency. I tune her out, and stare into the side window. I giggle as I recall a colleague's facial expression, after I told him my destination for the weekend.

"Tulsa? Tulsa, Oklahoma? What's exciting there?!" he wonders.

"Um...just visitng family friends," I say.

He detects my abrupt and vague response, tries to smoothen out the conversation: "I once hung out at Tulsa with some friends. Not much to do there. There's some cool museums. I think one of them has the Declaration of Independence. You should check that out!"

"Cool! Thanks!"

He didn't ask further questions. He probably knew something was up, I like it when people detect that and decide to mind their own business.

I was flying to Tulsa for a mission. A mission to complete my life. Fulfill my religious obligations. Half my religion obligations in fact! You guessed it...marriage! You're so smart!

She was recommended to me by a trusted source. We started out by email, then phone, and now I'm flying to see her and her family. She seems promising, has a lot of what I'm looking for, but I still do not know her enough to conclude anything, which is the reason for the visit of course.

I'm surprised that I don't feel nervous. Everything seems just right alhamdullilah. I know how I'm going to present myself, in the best way I know, which is simply to be myself. I look good, or at least I think I do. You see, I got my haircut recently, timing it perfectly knowing that my hair reaches its prime look one week and a few days after a haircut! I even reviewed the big suras I have memorized from the Quran, just in case her father 'insists' I lead a prayer.

All set to go, the pilot is now first in line on the runway and begins take-off. The throttle is maxed out. The acceleration of the massive plane is exhilarating. I associate this acceleration with me coming closer and closer to marriage!

"Faster! To Marriage! Allahu Akbar!" I think to myself. 60 mi/hr! 120 mi/hr! 180 mi/hr! Take off!

I relax in my seat. Impressed with my little metaphor connecting the plane's acceleration with my quest for my wife. Luckily, the seat beside me is empty. I take off my shoes and fold my feet onto the seat to the left. Arab style!

Flying to meet potential wives. This is something more and more Muslim brothers I know are doing. It's expensive, but well worth it. You travel. See a new city. Meet a new family. Learn all about them -- I find the stories of the different Muslim families living in North America incredibly interesting. Get treated like a King with all the food and hosting. And of course, meet an interesting Muslim girl.

Something catches my eye.

"What is this?? A hole in my sock?! Gasp!", There it is, on my Achille's heel in fact. Staring at me.

"Haha, Mr. Quest! You thought everything was perfect and you were going to get married? Ha! Such foolishness!! Not so fast my friend! I am your sock, and as all socks do, I conspire to destroy your life! By being smelly or having little holes, we have over a hundreds years of experience! And we strike when you least expect it! Muwahahahahaha!".

I could just imagine what the sock was conspiring to do. Me, the girl, and her family would be praying. During the jalsa, after the two rak'as, I would be sitting in a way that would expose this hole. The girls' eyes would stray to my feet, and the hole gets her attention! Gosh! She would look away in disgust and the whole marriage mission would be ruined! RUINED!!! Man, I never knew my socks were that smart...

I make a mental note to change the pair first thing after landing.

By this time, the pilot has reached the desired elevation and is cruising along towards the most exciting city this weekend!! Tulsa, Oklahoma! Yeah baby!

Usually, on plane trips, I like to take advantage of the uninterrupted time and read a good book or do some work. Not this time though. My mind can't stop churning through thoughts.

It's getting kind of boring. The cabin is suffocating. I look out the window, and realize the blessing of flight that we take for granted today. Just imagine, 100 years ago, the first planes were arcane scientific experiments! The general public could only dream of flight! And today, a guy on a plane is more pre-occupied with the hole in his sock than the beautiful view through his window! Subhanallah...

My mind churns to the next thought.

"Hey, is this kind of like marriage? You notice how at take off time you were incredibly excited? You then got used to the flying plane, got pre-occupied with your stupid sock, became a bit bored, and then realized once again the beauty of flying?" The voice inside me ponders.

"Hmm...that's an interesting thought. So, takeoff is like the honeymoon. You're always super excited during takeoff. It's exhilarating. You're moving from one level to another, from the ground to sky, from being single to married, from being a guy to a man. And the marriage is still nice for a small period after the honeymoon, but then a stupid hole in the sock gets your attention. You discover that your partner is not all what she's cracked up to be. For example, she farts. Gosh! Girls fart too? Or some conflict arises between you and her. The cabin becomes boring and suffocating. Life becomes frustrating. And then you look at your wife, or at the clouds, and you realize...hey! I'm flying! Or, hey, I'm married! This is something Beautiful! Wiht a capital B! Many people would love to get married! I'm flying at 600 mi/hr, above all the clouds! In state of the art machinery! Or, you realize how such a beautiful, supportive person your wife is! She loves you more than anyone else on this earth! Sheesh, there are more important things in life than this stupid sock. Just change the sock, and move on. Or just accept that your wife is human and farts, and move on!"

And with this newly found wisdom, I regain my confidence, and look forward, out the window, towards Tulsa and possibly, my sweet one.

Onwards.

Note: Locations and details slightly modified for privacy reasons. The sock part however, was entirely true, you cannot make this stuff up!

No, I'm not Affad Shaikh, but he's right, everyone should blog too

2007-03-23T21:26:00.000-07:00

Affad Shaikh writes me a comment announcing he mentioned me in his latest blog post:

"I wanted to be fair, and let you know that i referred to you in a some what negative way in my blog.

Actually i just dont like the fact that my friends think that this blog is by me, when i absolutely have nothing to do with your blog.

I find it brilliant, insightful, but God its not me.

Anyway, this is the link to the entry where I mentioned you if you would like to check it out, if its harsh please let me know."

Affad, no I don't see any negativity in how you refer to me. It must be pretty annoying to you for people to think that you're me. I would sure be annoyed :-).

I actually laughed out loud when I thought about your dilemma, it's quite funny, I bet your friends really enjoy trying to 'get it out of you' and have you admit this blog is written by you.

I'm not surprised though. Many young, educated Muslim bachelors are in my situation. I travel a lot, and no matter what Muslim community I visit, there's always people like me :-). We're all moving forward though, and I trust we'll find our other halfs eventually.

So I was reading your post on blogging, and we think in similar ways my friend! We also share many interests! No wonder people think we're the same! I'd love to hang out with you one day, but ofcourse, I'd have to kill you afterwards ;-).

But you forgot one key positive aspect about blogging! Sisters dig brothers with blogs. It's a safe way for both sides to know each other. Actually, I think blogging is one great solution that can help solve Muslim marriage in the west.

If a girl has an interest in you, she will search you on Google, stumble on your blog, read what you have to say, know your interests, see your pics, and realize how intelligent and thoughtful you are (or not!). If she is not interested, no harm is done. But if she is interested, you're already half way to marrying her :-). The next time you see her, there will be plenty to talk about, because she read your blog. She will also be more trusting of you, she'll feel she has an inside connection to you.

Now if you didn't have a blog, to her, you would just be another educated Muslim guy involved in his community who doesn't mess with girls. And there are plenty of those. So how are you going to help her pick?

And of course, it works the other way around when a guy considers a girl. But unfortunately, not many Muslim girls have an Internet presence. I am not a stalker or anything like that, I just like to know as much as possible about a girl before meeting her, it just makes the conversation easier, and usually I like what I end up finding about her. It's like asking trusted people in the community about her, and it just happens that one of those people is Google. And usually a girl is impressed when she notices you know more about her than past guys she has met and considered for marriage. Does everyone do that? Or is it just me?

As you said, Affad, we are in the 'Age of Participation'. A blog is like a magazine with one topic, and that topic is You! You are the editor, the author, and the marketing guy. You have subscribers. You have fans, some anonymous, some not so anonymous. They write to you. You write to them. It's lots of fun.

So no, I'm not Affad Shaikh. But I'm kind of like him. By the way, there's lot of girls nowadays that search 'Choosing a Muslim Man to Marry' on Google and end up at my blog, so consider this an advertisement for you! And if you do end up getting married through this advertisement, you owe me BIG :-P. You better make du3a' for me bro at the least! ;-)

So no, I'm not Affad Shaikh. But now you're probably thinking...this guy is Affad Shaikh and is writing this post to trick us! And then you're thinking, this guy just wrote the past sentence to deceive us once again! And that last one too....ok I'll stop. Sorry Affad :-).

[UPDATE] Don't get me wrong though. This shouldn't be the sole reason for you starting a blog. There are much better reasons to start a blog than to attract the opposite sex. Just keep this marriage advantage in mind though, because it is true.

Marriage and Your Market Value

2007-03-16T23:28:00.000-07:00

Ok, whether we like it or not, economics and marriage are closely related.

There is a concept of demand and supply. For example, if in your city, there's much less Muslim girls than Muslim guys, then naturally, each Muslim girl will be desired more than usual.

Similarly, an average 18 year old Muslim girl is not as desirable for marriage as an average 21 year old. In my mind, a 21 year old is more valuable because she's typically more mature and educated.

There is a sense that each person has a market value when it comes to marriage, and that value varies by age. So I was wondering, how desirable or not so desirable will I become for marriage as I grow older? Assuming that nothing suddenly changes in my life, how will my overall attractiveness change with age?. So I though a bit and drew this graph of how I think a person's value for marriage changes as they age.

It seems that women are much more valuable than men when they are younger. Very few woman want to marry an 18 year old guy. But MANY men want to marry an 18 year old girl.

However, a women's value peaks at about 25, and then declines faster and faster. A man on the other hand peaks at a later age, and declines more gradually.

Just to be clear, I am not saying that this is how it's supposed to be. I just think this is reality right now.

Makes sense?

The things I'm discovering...

2007-03-13T23:51:00.000-07:00

You know, the nice thing about looking for a wife, is that through this search you truly figure out what your life's priorities are. Would I really prefer a decent-looking, religious wife over a beautiful, semi-religious wife? Or a good, religious family over a semi-religious family but from a 'good' neighborhood back home? Or a person that meets all my requirements but is a convert?

We hear it over and over in all these conferences, khutbahs, and lectures we go to. That we shouldn't insist on marrying someone from the same tribe as us, look down upon people of lower economic status, and so on. The most loved ones to Allah are those with the most Taqwa. If we're not so stupidly strict in choosing a spouse, the Ummah would be more united, bla bla bla....you know the deal.

But, think for a second, are you really following this? Am I following this? Are our families following this? You only find out, when deciding who to marry.

From the stories I hear, we still have a long way to go.

Is Choosing a Wife same as Hiring ?

2007-02-27T23:11:00.000-08:00

About Hiring People for a Startup company, from StartUpping:

"Don’t skimp on hiring. Ever. I’ve hired folks who had the right resume, but I knew in my gut were not right for the culture of the business. I thought the skills/resume overshadowed the ability to work together as a team. They never do."

"The best decisions I’ve made have all been hiring decisions. When you really are feeling the pain of not having a certain kind of person in the company, it’s easy to hire the first interviewee that walks through the door, but it’s critically important when a company is getting started to make sure you’ve found somebody that everyone on the team thinks is the right person for the role."

I don't know about you, but to me, there are tons of similarities between hiring someone and choosing a wife. Just because you urgently need a wife, doesn't mean you should pick the first girl that comes your way and has all the characteristics you want. It should *feel* right. I am not saying you should fall in love with her, but I am saying that you should (1) feel great comfort in your heart in her presence and whenever you talk with her, (2) be attracted to her, and (3) be excited about the life you can build together.

In fact, it seems like I should be more strict with choosing a wife than choosing an employee.

Argh, why am I making things more difficult?!

Where am I?

2007-02-24T15:54:00.000-08:00

Take a guess.

Decisions Decisions

2007-02-21T23:45:00.000-08:00

Ah, it's been a while since I posted! Things have been busy alhamdullilah, but I enjoy getting comments and emails from everyone reading this blog. This is what motivates me to continue writing. That, and because talking to you is much less expensive than talking to a shrink ;-).

Here's my post for the day:

Not sure whether you should pursue marriage with a girl or not?

That's normal. Pray istikhara, and then imagine this "There is a lion between the girl and you. You need to fight the lion to get to her. Would you do it?"

If the answer is a clear yes, good for you! If the answer is a clear no, good for you! If the answer is a maybe, that sucks! If the answer is 'maybe', I would recommend to continue to know the girl, until the answer becomes clear, or you run out of time, in which case, the answer would be no.

Families sometimes are very welcoming and make it relatively easy to marry their daughters. This is good. But sometimes, this might lead you into making the wrong decision. In my opinion, there needs to be some obstacles between you and a girl to prove to yourself that you are serious about her. If there are no obstacles, then you might be marrying her simply because you're hormones are off the charts, which is a bad way to choose a girl.

Asking yourself this lion question helps. It has helped me.

Have I ever crossed paths with a girl that I would fight a lion for? Yes. Once. And I did have to 'fight lions' for her. And I fought and fought and fought, until I realized that to marry this girl, I would have to lose some things that I would also fight lions for! So I decided not to go ahead with her. Sad, but c'est la vie!

Until next time...assuming I'm still alive ;-)

Marriage in the Prairie

2007-02-04T13:44:00.000-08:00

Mom: "You call that dating, it's more like a job interview".
Daughter: "No! it's like window shopping...See, you don't need to taste the cake to know that it's going to be delicious."
Mom: "Ofcourse you do, the cake can look good but it can be crummy. Or he can be a fruitcake and you know how we all feel about fruitcakes..."

From the Canadian TV Show, Little Mosque on the Prairie (Episode 3).

You probably already heard about this TV Show, but if not, you should give it a watch! It's sometimes a bit corny, light on real Islamic substance, and the Imam in the show is a wuss, but it is still enjoyable to watch and definitely a step forward in integrating Islam into mainstream culture.

I bet they're going to expand on the marriage issue in later episodes, there's tons of good material there.

Random Email from a Female Reader

2007-01-28T18:55:00.000-08:00

You find it hard, try being a GIRL living in a region where finding another muslim human being is presque miraculous. Being of the feminine species, even if you were to find a potential, there is pretty much nothing you can do about it expect pray he gets interested. that and having parents who have about 7 zillion expectations any future husband would have to live up to. Spinsterhood cant be that bad...
Frustration out, sorry.

Yes, very true, I sympathize with you. I think you can do more than just pray though. We just need to be a bit more creative when we live in such societies.

Time to be Extra Nice to my Muslim Friends, Imams, and Community Figures!

2007-01-28T17:09:00.000-08:00

So I was sleeping the other day, only to be awakened by the ring of my cell phone. I wake up, very annoyed, look at the # in call display, I don't recognize the area code or number, I think "Ah, probably some annoying telemarketer, I hope Allah does something bad to them for waking me up!"

My head rests back on my warm fluffy pillow. The sleep was good. Some time later, I can't estimate time well when I'm sleeping, the cell phone rings again. It's the same #. The sleep was still really good, so I think "Ah, if it's important, they'll leave me a message". I don't answer it, and go back to the calling of my pillow.

A third time, and a fourth time, the # rings. And they don't leave a message. I become stubborn now and think, whoever this person is, they are not coming between me and my sleep! I am the one to decide when to sleep, and when to wake up! So I ignore the call. (I really take my sleep seriously...actually I obey Newton's first law when it comes to sleep. When my body is awake, it wants to keep on being awake and not sleep, and when my body is sleeping, it wants to keep on sleeping and not wake up.)

A bit later, I decide to wake up. I freshen up, and get back to my normal self again. I call the # up, I hear a very Arabic "Aloo....". I always wondered where we got that "Alo" from, when I say it, people think I'm French, true, the French say "Alo" too, so I guess we got it from French colonization. What is the Arabic equivalent to Aloo? Or is it just Aloo?

Anyhow, so I say "Yeah, umm, someone has been trying to reach me from this # and I'm just calling back".

And she says, "Yeah, I am ___ ___ from _____, your friend ________ is going to get engaged to my daughter, and he mentioned you as one of his references...". She kind of stutters here and sounds nervous, I remember being in her position once when my brother in law asked for my sister's hand and I was quite nervous, so I try to comfort her with "yep, yep".

She continues on, "...so I just want to hear from you about his character.".

I get pretty excited. The power in my hands! The guy is a good guy though so it was pretty easy to talk about him and be honest. She asked me the typical questions like "Would you marry him to your sister?" and "What's his biggest weakness?", etc, etc.

Anyhow, the interesting thing is that the mother became interested in me, asked what I did, where I'm from, am I looking to get married too, and so on. I felt kind of uneasy, because I don't want to get in the middle between my friend and this family/girl, but the woman clearly stated there are many eligible girls in her community and she can help hook me up. Subhanallah how opportunity comes from the unexpected! So I tell her, sounds good, I'll get my mom to talk to you.

This call got me thinking about when my time comes, and my future in-laws ask my friends and acquaintances about me. Who would I pick as my referees? What would they say about me? Oh oh, time to be extra nice to everyone! :-)

The Cost of Beauty

2007-01-24T00:00:00.000-08:00

Many people have been visiting my blog recently, and I feel guilty for not having written anything for such a long time! I have been thinking of a few things in the last couple of weeks that I want to talk about. But I'm not frustrated enough yet to write all my ideas out ;-). For now, here's a quickie:

Ever wonder what the cost of beauty is? We all have this perception that the more beautiful one is, the better. But there is a cost to being beautiful, and I have seen this happen first hand.

If you're beautiful, especially if you're a girl, you will get much more attention from guys. I think this is especially magnified in a Muslim community where single guys and girls have a much less chance of knowing each other's personalities. So a guy has to rely mainly on a girl's looks before deciding to make that big step and approach her & her family.

Therefore, the beautiful girls get LOTS of guys asking about them. And since most of us guys can't distinguish between lust and love, we really think *this* is the girl for us. So the poor girl gets all these people visiting her house, and the onus falls on her to pick the right guy.

That's the cost of beauty. Will the girl be able to successfully filter through the guys and pick the right one? I doubt it, especially if she's young. So she runs the risk of picking the wrong guy, and messing up her future, because the guy is most likely following his lust and is not compatible with her in reality. And then you might end up in divorce, and if you're divorced, it is much harder to marry, even if you're beautiful.

This is where the parents come in. I think the parents of these beautiful girls have the huge responsibility of being the filter and making sure the marriage is happening for the right reasons.

But if a girl is not so beautiful, a guy is forced to think, is she the one? Does she have the personality and qualities that I want? We are forced to make more of rational decision.

I, personally, though am still scared of marriage, no matter how beautiful the girl is. Yeah I do want to marry, believe me! It's just that picking who to marry would probably be the biggest decision of my life, and it is a decision that can potentially screw up the rest of my life! For this reason, there is something in me that keeps reminding when courting a beautiful girl that beauty by itself will not make a happy marriage.

But you know what? We Muslims have a huge advantage over all other people, especially non-religious people. We have the never changing Qur'an and Sunnah. And we realize that this should be the basis of our lives. So if you marry someone that truly believes that, then, you have a common pillar of values, and are set for life as long as both partners continue to believe in these values.

Yey! Another Muslim Blogger out there talkin' about Marriage!

2007-01-11T23:12:00.000-08:00

Wow, another Muslim blogger analyzes the sad state of Muslim Marriage in the West.

Some excerpts:

"...and we have addressed the problems that exist for Muslims getting married in America; a lack of suitable partners, the high divorce rate amongst Muslims, African-American brothers and sisters who grew-up in dysfunctional families, racism, marrying strangers, the position against dating which often means you wont know your spouse, brothers not wanting to work who call themselves “ students of knowledge”, etc."

Yeah, definitely good points, this dude has a wider perspective than I do. I don't know any African-Americans who grew-up in dysfunctional families, and neither do I know of any brothers who don't want to work and call themselves "students of knowledge". Interesting.

And he continues:

"A lot of Muslims in America live in cities where there are a small number of Muslims and when they are looking to get married they can’t find a partner. In many cities there is also an imbalance between the number of brothers and sisters in that city and you may have fifty brothers looking to get married and only one or two sisters."

Most Definitely!! This all goes back once again to my point about how the majority of Muslims are so disbursed throughout the West into small communities and therefore have a hard time finding suitable partners. And if you live in one of those cities with a 50:1 Muslim male:female ratio, you're screwed.

"This leads a lot of American-Muslims brothers to go to other cities, mostly in the Northeast, to try and find wives. What usually happens is that a few brothers will all plan the trip together, and they will all vouch for one another (even if the brother they are vouching for is a pedophile and a serial killer) and they go to a masjid and announce that they have a come acallin for their women-folk."

I never heard of this. Interesting.

"...a lot of Muslims are just trapped in a cycle of dysfunctionalism. If families are weak then a community is weak, and the family is the foundation of a society, and the Muslim community in America, particularly the converts and the second-generation, is very weak, and in many places just barely surviving; because a community of single men alone cannot last."

Yep, this is definitely a big problem the Muslim Community in the West needs to address if we are to move forward long-term.

"What I will say for brothers looking to get married is do not fall into the trap that so many American-Muslim men do of just getting so tired of waiting to get married ( and hard-up for sex) that they marry a non-Muslim or a crazy Muslim sister. Wait, have a little patience, and this goes for the sisters too, you are too valuable to settle for inferior brothers. Divorce is the most hated of lawful things and divorce is painful and if someone doesn’t feel that pain then I don’t know what kind of iman that Muslim haves and I would not recommend that brother to a sister."

Good advice. The other advice I will add is enjoy your bachelor life! I mean there are tons of stuff you can do now that would be much harder when you're married. Getting Married is a one-way street, so enjoy your bachelorhood while it lasts!

"Ideally what the American-Muslim needs is a sister who is sincere in her deen, but not a fanatic, and either grew-up in the West or has spent a lot of time with the West, and they can talk about things they have in common and read together and care about the same issues and raise their children on the same page and enjoy one another’s company and have a love that Allah will put in the marriage."

Yeah! That's exactly what I had in mind! The Sweet One.

Which SuperHero am I?

2007-01-05T00:39:00.001-08:00

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility.

Spider-Man 85%
Green Lantern 75%
Superman 70%
The Flash 70%
Robin 65%
Supergirl 55%
Catwoman 55%
Wonder Woman 50%
Hulk 50%
Iron Man 45%
Batman 40%

Click here to take the "Which Superhero are you?" quiz...

Everyone seems to be taking this quiz, so I figure I might as well, especially since I'm anonymous and none of my readers know me personally. You can just picture me as Spiderman, hopping from building to building looking for hijabis!

Spiderman? I wanted to be Batman! Here's the description for Batman: "You are dark, love gadgets and have vowed to help the innocent not suffer the pain you have endured."

I especially like the last part about the innocent not suffering the pain I've gone through. This is really what this blog is all about. I'd like to share my experiences in finding a good Muslim wife, so that others don't have to go through the pain I'm going through, or at least find company in our misery! :-)

You know, I was thinking, it would be very cool to have a whole community of Anonymous 'Muslim Questers', documenting their experiences in finding their opposite spouse. Imagine. The compilation of all these blogs would be like a black book of finding a Muslim partner in the 21st century the Islamic way! And then we have all these anonymous commentators, guys and girls, commenting about what the bloggers are doing right, what they're doing wrong, giving advice, sharing experiences, etc...it would revolutionize Muslim spouse-finding in the West!

Another Close Encounter

2007-01-04T23:00:00.000-08:00

So I was at the airport the other day. I am getting in line for security, and guess who I see right in front of me? Two hijabis! A mother and her daughter. The daughter seemed the right age for me, I check her hands, no rings, woohoo! She looked good. Not a super-model-type looking good, but more of the nice classical Arab look, which I really like. She was good looking in a very simple way. She had no need for fair skin or makeup or coloured eyes, and she didn't have any of that. I don't know how to explain it, but you know how as you grow up you start preferring tea with little or no sugar rather than with too much sugar? Her beauty was kind of like that.

She spoke Arabic well. Good. She seemed very helpful with her mom and responsible. Good. She seemed cheerful. Good.

The ironic thing, is just a few minutes before, I was grumbling in my head that I never see any hijabis in airports. Where the heck are all the traveling Hijabis? Well, subhanallah, I got what I asked for. And once I saw her, the little pessimist in me laughed a little and said "Ok, here she is for you! Allah has gave you what you've asked for! An eligible hijabi right in front of you in a long lineup! With her mother too! You can almost do the engagement right here and then if you want! Things are on your side now. Don't mess this up, loser!"

Hmm....so I think, what's the game plan here? Well...I clearly look like a Muslim and Arab today, so let me catch her looking at me, lock the eyes a bit, say Salamualikum, and go from there.

So I mind my own business, until I see in my peripheral vision that she is looking at me. I wait a bit, and wow, she is still looking at me. Head not moving, eyes not blinking. I look back at her, and now normally at this point, a girl would look away out of shyness. But not with this girl, she was looking at me as if I was her dream husband that she's been asking Allah for during her late night tahajjud...or as if I was some kind of plane hijacker, I couldn't quite figure out the reason. I've gotten this look from non-Muslim white woman in planes before, the type of look where they look at you with eyes wide open and not look away when you look back. I always thought they were looking at me because they think I'm a terrorist. If this girl was white and non-Muslim, that's how I would've explained this.

So anyhow, our eyes were locked for what felt like an eternity. The world turned slow-mo, matrix-style. The silence started to make me feel uncomfortable. "Salamualikum", I blurted out.
"Walikumassalam", she said. Her mother now turned around to look at me and my eyes moved towards her, breaking the eternity of eye contact between the girl and I, "Walikumassalam", the mother also says.

Another eternity of silence starts now. I didn't know what to do, I was expecting them to ask me something, like where I was from or something, but they said nothing. And I was like a little cub in training, who did the right steps to get his prey to the ground, but didn't quite know what to do to finish the kill. (Yes, I shouldn't be comparing my quest to find my wife with a lion hunting prey, but I really enjoy writing these hunter/prey analogies!).

Her mother broke the silence by turning her body back and looking away, which striked me as quite rude. If a dude says Salamualikum, and you're in a lineup, and he's still looking at you, wouldn't you be curious or respectful enough to ask where he's from and what he's doing? Her daughter, a few seconds later, obliged, looked away from me, and forward into the line.

But you know what, I definitely think I was at fault here. The way I said Salamualikum, I don't think it was inviting for a conversation, it was probably in a tone of "Salamualikum, yes I am Arab, now please look away from me." I don't know why, but that's how it came out of me I think. Most importantly, I failed to start a conversation. I had this assumption that her mother would smoothen out everything and make some dialogue. I know my mother would have.

Anyhow, the girl never looked back at me again, and soon disappeared into the crowds. A missed encounter. To make myself feel better, I told myself "the mother wasn't friendly and looked mean to boot, she would probably be a painful mother in law to have" and "from their Arabic accent they're from a region that's too different from where I'm from, this probably wouldn't have worked out and maybe that's why they looked away and were not interested in me". But I still felt like crap.

Anyhow, this lesson made me make a New Year's Resolution that I would strike up conversations with any stranger that I come across. I began fulfilling this resolution right away by staring a conversation with the non-Muslim woman that was sitting beside me on my plane. Also, when I was at a restaurant, I saw an Arab looking man eating by himself. So I walked up to him, introduced myself, chit chatted a bit, and he invited me to eat with him! We had a very interesting conversation, and I learnt a few things from him.

The real test though is going to be in my next encounter with a hijabi girl. I will for sure let you know when that happens and how it goes!

Till then, don't be afraid to talk to strangers! It opens up your horizons and educates you. I think in this world, especially in the multi-cultural Western society that we live in, most people unfortunately prefer to live their own world in their own mind and not talk to the stranger sitting right beside them. This is bad. I think Western society suffers from this phenomena too much. We need to be friendlier with each other. Next time you're in a lineup, bus, or plane, strike a conversation with the person beside you. You both will remember it for years to come, because it doesn't happen often.

Meeting Muslim Girls in Conferences?

2006-12-27T23:14:00.000-08:00

I think in the West, if there is one place that is guaranteed to have a girl suitable to be a great wife for you, it would be one of those humongous Islamic Conferences such as ISNA and Reviving the Islamic Spirit (RIS).

Whether you like it or not, this is THE place to meet Muslim girls. AFAIK, there is no other bigger event that brings so many young good single Muslim girls to one place. It's like they go into hibernation for the entire year, and then wake up one day, convince their friends and family to go to this conference, and off they go in their minivans with their hijabs fluttering in the wind.

This all goes back to my theory that we Muslims, in general, are so scattered throughout North America that it's sometimes incredibly hard to realize the large number of eligible Muslim girls out there, let alone connect with them.

One problem with these conferences though is that there are too many girls. Even if you put strict constraints like, say, I only want a hijabi Arab girl that looks good but is not wearing too much makeup nor tight clothes, and does not act like one of those in Teen Girl Squad, you're still left with way too many of them. That's a problem, but I guess it's a good problem to have.

Ok, and let's say you've picked a girl you want to know more about. How do you do that? I can think of three ways:

If your mother or sister is with you, send them over to strike up a conversation and go from there.
Send your friends to talk to her friends, or you go and talk to her friends (or her parents if they're with her) and get her farther's #.
Be a real man, try to get eye contact, and if all signs are good just approach her and strike up a conversation.

In all honesty, I think #3 is ideal, yet so so hard. #1 is easiest, but will that really get a woman's heart? Especially one of those young girls that want to fall in love at first sight rather than accept the more traditional, practical approach? It seems like if I delegate the hard, risky part to my mom/sister, then I'll be seen as a wuss. And who wants to marry a wuss?

But in a Muslim conference, isn't it incredibly awkward, possibly inappropriate, to approach a girl directly, talk with her and get her email or father's #? Especially if her friends are around her, I wouldn't want to embarrass myself in that big a crowd and be their favorite highlight of the entire conference. Hmmm, au contraire, maybe I do want to be their favorite highlight, hmmm :-).

To do #3 in a transparent, smooth way, you need to be really sly. How can you talk to the girl while keeping the conversation natural by preventing her from knowing that you're interested in her? Let me think...you can:

Go up to her, and say, "aren't you the sister of so and so?" Or..."your face looks familiar, do you live in ____?" And do it in a smiling, optimistic mood so that you make her feel good. People love it when others remember and notice them. She'll say no of course and then boom! You got an opening to know more about her.
Try to ask for directions to somewhere? I don't think that's as good as #1.
Hang around in the bazaar, hopefully the girl is checking out some books or something. Go to the same book booth, and strike a conversation about the book she's looking at.
If the girl asked a question during the seminar you were just in, then follow up with her after the seminar and discuss that topic with her?
Volunteer to be one of the guys selling hijabs at the Bazaar. This one's THE best way I bet! Haha.

One thing I would suggest to Muslim girls is to make it easier for a guy to find more information about you or strike a conversation with you. Definitely don't flirt or be too much of a 'look at me!' type girl, and definitely don't randomly drop your business card around in Muslim events. But do subtle things, like maybe have a blog and leave your blog's URL address in your email signature. Or, be active in a lot of MSA events so that a guy can easily join the event you're helping with and get to know you more. Basically I wish all Muslim girls were a bit more accessible. I still see huge barriers between Muslim guys and girls looking to marry. Girls can make this barrier slightly easier, while still maintaining their modesty and dignity.

Are all these ways appropriate? Is it appropriate to approach girls by yourself if your intention is marriage? I've heard from many scholars that it's ok to look at girls and talk to girls with the pure intention of marriage, but you shouldn't abuse that right. So approaching Muslim girls directly is ok, right? But you see, the problem is, the brother/sister seperation that most Muslim events strongly adhere to sends the message that it is haram for Muslim guys to even think about talking to a Muslim girl so that he can know her more and see if there is compatibility.

Even more problematic, for me at least, is that in all my teenage years I purposely did not develop much friendships with girls, especially Muslim girls, because we were raised that communicating with girls for no reason except friendship is disliked, if not Haram, in Islam and will lead to problems if you are not ready for marriage. And now, all of a sudden, I'm expected to be James Bond. Yes, you need to be James Bond to overcome the barriers Western Muslim society has between brothers and sisters.

Honestly, I don't like depending on my mom, sister, or whoever in connecting me with a girl. I like to do it myself, it's much more fun and I feel more confident and more of a man when I achieve my goal and end up talking with her. I feel it's my duty to seek out and find my wife, and I prefer not to get people involved until the girl and I have decided that yeah we're compatible, we have a liking to each other, and we want to now get our families involved. It just seems right to do it that way.

What are your thoughts on all this? How do you approach the pious Muslim girls you're interested in in these public events? What do Muslim girls prefer? Speak!

Good Read

2006-11-06T02:33:00.000-08:00

"To anyone who's married (or planning on marriage)"

Eid Mubarak!

2006-10-24T22:00:00.000-07:00

I hope you're enjoying your Eid.

Hmm, actually, Eid back home is way more fun than here in the West. It's hard to really feel Eid here. Does it feel like Eid in your city? I bet in cities where there's lots of Muslims, like Dearborn, MI or some neighborhoods of the UK, the Eid presence is strong.

Eid

This Blog Featured in Cafe Babel Magazine!

2006-10-12T00:08:00.000-07:00

Wow, I just noticed Cafe Babel, which describes itself as 'Europe's Current Affairs Magazine' has an interesting front page article on how more and more Muslims are going online to find their future wife.

And they end the article referring to...moi!

If marriage agencies aren’t enough, there are also other ways to find your dream Muslim partner online. An anonymous author 'Muslimquest', a blog entirely dedicated to his difficulties to finding a wife. "Muslim marriages in the West are an ongoing problem. I'm trying to resolve it.”

The English reads kind of weird to me, I don't think the magazine's mother language is English. But Sweet! This is Great! Thank you Cafe Babel! Inshallah this is a good sign, and I plan to continue complaining about my 'difficulties' so that all can know and know what it's really like! ;-)

Relocating as a Way to Find a Muslim Wife?

2006-10-09T23:58:00.000-07:00

So one of the things that I find greatly impedes my quest to find my wife, is that the city I currently live in is a desert when it comes to Muslim girls.

Seriously, after extensive searching and consulting with the 'Aunties' of this city, I was able to identify 9 girls that meet what I'm looking for. But then more research or engagement bring to light more details that I'm not so excited about, or sometimes the girls don't want to marry while they're in school, or the parents only want to marry the girls to guys from the same country, or you can come up with your own stupid reason.

By the way, if a girl or her parents say they're not interested in marrying at a young age or while the girl's in school, is that their way of rejecting you, or is it true?

I think the answer can be either. I think the girls in school don't want to marry now, unless they 'fall in love' with their future husband and have it done the way the movies do it. But it's hard to fall in love in an orchestrated visit between the parents where all parties know that the purpose of the visit is to evaluate each other for marriage.

Like it or not, most girls won't have their fantasy of falling-in-love-with-their-husband-at-first-sight come true, and then they graduate, wait a couple of years and then their 25th birthday hits them in the head, and all of a sudden they become rational and start evaluating suitors seriously. And then they get married.

This is all speculation on my part by the way, so if I'm totally wrong, please feel free to hit me in the head via the comments section ;-).

So anyhow, back to my initial thought -- I live in a city pretty much void of Muslim girls or older Muslim families. There are tons of Muslim bachelors here like me though, so if you're a girl looking for some bachelors, this is the city to find one! My anonymity does not allow me to tell you which city this is however, or perhaps I can tell you but then I'll have to kill you!!! Muwahahahaah....

So what I've been considering, is, why shouldn't I move to a different city where I know there are PLENTY of Muslim families? It definitely would increase my chances of finding a good wife. The other alternative is for me to find a trusted contact or 'Auntie' in that city to find me a girl, but unfortunately I don't have one yet.

I'm pretty mobile, I can find a job there, move, and do the search there! That would be really cool. The city's really nice too, so I wouldn't mind moving there anyways even if there wasn't much of a Muslim community.

I never heard of anyone moving for this reason though, so it's kind of a weird reason in my mind. But why not take this search for a wife seriously? It is half my religion and probably more than half my life afteralll...

A Missed Connection

2006-10-01T22:22:00.000-07:00

I was at a small conference the other day, on a topic that greatly interests me. The conference is not related to Islam, so typically seeing a Muslim there would be unlikely, let alone a hijabi.

To my surprise, there was a hijabi among the attendees! And she stood out like a star in a dark sky.

I wouldn't say it was "love at first sight", but it was definitely a "warm interest at first sight" kind of thing. My mind was filled with curiosity about her...What brought this girl to this event? Could she have the same interests as I do? Wow, she is the only hijabi here, she must be real special. No makeup...nice and simple...I like that. She looks good, not georgeous, but good. She seems very centred and down to earth.

Ok, how can I get more info on her? How can I talk to her? Ah, I have to solve this problem at some point! How to start a conversation with a strange Muslim girl you're interested in, in a very natural way. Maybe today's the day I solve this once and for all.

Hmm...well let's stealthily watch her for a bit, see who she talks to, where she goes, get a feel for who she is before making your feelings more visible! Hmm...this reminds me of those discovery channel videos of a lion stalking a deer before going for the kill...ok, relax, you're doing a halal thing, your intentions are right! But when the time is right to attack and talk with her, what should I say? Oh, just say Salamualikum!

A couple of good opportunities come by, where she's very close to me and I can easily talk with her. But unfortunately, at both times I was talking to other folks and it would look odd to interrupt the conversation and talk to her.

We exchange glances at close range, hmm, maybe she's curious too.

Several moments later, we walk by each other, I'm still too afraid to say Salam, several steps later, I stop and look back, only to find out she has stopped and looked back as well! Whoa, that's a nice surprise! I don't know if she was looking back at me or just looking back in general, but I'm sure she notices me now, and knows this is a special moment. I turn away and continue walking.

The next session starts, this is the last session of the conference. I promise myself that I'm going to find her again and talk to her for real after this session. I cannot let her go!

The session ends. I search the conference area looking for her, but alas, I don't find her. She probably went home early, it was close to iftar time afterall. :-(

Ah, like a lion who failed to get his kill for the day, I leave the conference empty handed. Another missed connection!

I really should train myself to not fear going up to a Muslim girl and striking a conversation. What's the worst that can happen? I fail and get rejected, a little bruise to my ego, that's nothing!

Next time, next time...no more missed connections...I promise to myself.

Do I want a working wife, or a stay at home wife?

2006-09-25T22:00:00.000-07:00

I've been pondering this question in the last few weeks. In today's age, we all want our woman to work and have 'equal' opportunities to men. But you know what? Why should a woman work like a man does? If the man is creating enough income for the family, why should the woman work? What's the point?

In this case, I don't see a point of the woman working. But...what is the woman to do? What is the alternative?

Hmm, well, one alternative is for the woman to sit at home, watch TV, go shopping, and gossip with her other friends. Sure, she'll also keep the house nice and tidy for you, cook great food, and look pretty for you when you come home from a long day of work. But is this really what I want? Hmm...well I like the last part, I don't mind coming back to a tidy home, with great food, and a beautiful wife. But I don't want a wife who will waste her free time in brain-numbing TV watching, money-wasting shopping, and idle gossip.

Ok, well atleast I have one part figured out, and that is that I would want my wife to be the main person responsible for making our home feel like home. Sure I'll help with cleaning and whatever else, but the main responsibility should lie with her because I suck at paying attention to detail and because my main responsibility is bringing the dough home.

Ok, but now, what would I want my wife to spend her free time with? Should she join the rat race and work? Or do something else? What would I want my wife to strive for anyways?

One thing I know I want my wife to always do, is to keep developing her skills and grow her knowledge. Why? Because a wise wife is a gem forever. My wife will be raising my kids with me, and her intellect will have a huge influence on them. My wife also needs to be very in tune with the society around her. I don't want her to be isolated, or else, she won't know how to raise my kids who definitely won't be isolated from the shaytans of our society whether we like it or not.

Sometimes work helps her get the above, i.e., grow her skills, be in touch with the world, etc. So work is definitely good. I guess what I'm worried about, is that my wife and I became workaholics and spend way more time at work than with our kids. I really want a strong family, and therefore would need my wife to make the kids a much higher priority than her career.

And if only one of us can raise the kids, and the other has to work? Who would it be? Definitely, I would focus on work and my wife would focus on the home. Woman ARE better built for taking care of homes and raising kids. There, I said it. You can shoot me now.

And if you think I'm sexist old-fashioned Muslim FOB, then you must think the San Francisco Chronicle is like that too.

Housewives

Is Ramadan Saturday, Sunday, or Monday?

2006-09-23T13:55:00.000-07:00

Ramadan Saturday vs. Ramadan Sunday

Ramadan Sunday vs. Ramadan Monday

According to Google Fight it is Sunday :-).

Ramadan Mubarak!

2006-09-22T23:32:00.000-07:00

I'm going to be fasting tomorrow inshallah, I know there's always differences on the start of Ramadan, my thoughts are to go with the majority for unity's sake. The majority in my community say Saturday, so that's when I'll fast as well. Wallahu A3lam.

Oh, here's a tip for finding a wife during Ramadan: Take part in the MSA Iftars, take part in the community iftars and become good buddies with the uncles (maybe they'll invite you to their house for Iftar! ;-) ), help in your community's events, make yourself visible within the community and keep your eyes open. Don't be shy! You're trying to complete half your religion.

And ofcourse I'll be making tons of du3a' to find my wife as soon as possible if Allah thinks that's the right thing for me!

Allahu A3lam, inshallah next Ramadan I'll be married or on a concrete path to marriage, or maybe I'll be sitting here again on a Friday night blogging! :-P

Ramadan

Long Term vs. Short Term

2006-09-17T20:59:00.000-07:00

A reminder is always good:

"Things may be beneficial in the long term but somewhat uncomfortable in the short...This is also true with sexual intimacy; being patient until marriage may be uncomfortable and even frustrating, but its benefit is far greater than any temporary pleasure attained in falling into sin."
-Sheikh Hamza Yusuf, in Purification of the Heart

This is a great book by the way. You should all read it, and if you have, you should read it again! It is a treasure trove of information on self improvement and getting closer to Allah (swt). The nice thing about Sheikh Hamza is that he takes something that was written many years ago for a different society and turns it into something very practical for today's society.

But oh boy is it a hard read! He exposes all the spiritual diseases in your heart and made me realize I have a lot to work on! Even when your heart is pure, and it will probably never be just because we're humans, you still need to continue to work on it to keep it that way.

Technorati Tags: Purification of the Heart Hamza Yusuf Marriage

You Found your Dream Woman, but...

2006-08-06T23:58:00.000-07:00

Here's some food for thought for you:

You meet a Muslim girl. You get to know her. She turns out to be all you want and more. She is your dream girl.

There's a catch though. The girl just confessed to you that she was in an earlier short marriage. She chose to close that marriage via divorce since her husband was not religious and she was young and naive when she decided to marry him.

Other than that, she is your dream girl. Would you marry her?

Why is it so hard for divorced muslim woman to marry, while relatively easy for divorced Muslim men to marry?

Life's a bitch sometimes. I guess that's why there's paradise.

Technorati Tags: Divorced Muslim Women Islam Divorce